


Chapter Two

by HandleWithCare



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, References and Mentions of Depression, Strangers to Friends, mentions of mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-15 04:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 42,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15404724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandleWithCare/pseuds/HandleWithCare
Summary: All Phil wanted was the newest Stephen King novel. What he found instead was even better and may have even changed his life. No matter how good or bad chapter one is, sometimes, you just have to be brave and turn to chapter two.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! So, this is my first multi-chapter fic and I'm honestly really proud of it. I hope you like it!
> 
> Updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
> 
> You can find me on tumblr to chat or deliver any constructive criticism @ say-youll-be-there

Phil just barely misses being impaled by a big red umbrella as he runs down the streets of London a bit faster than he probably should be in the rain. But he was supposed to meet Tyler at Starbucks nearly twenty minutes ago and Tyler always complains when he’s kept waiting. 

Phil loves him, he really does, but, sometimes, Tyler is just so dramatic. Phil has no doubt that he’s going to receive one of Tyler’s signature rants as soon as he enters the building, but he also has no doubt that Tyler will have his favorite drink and a sweet treat ready and waiting for him. Tyler’s good like that.

He lets out a deep sigh of relief as he sees the familiar Starbucks logo only half a block away and jogs towards the door. As he walks in and wipes his shoes on the mat, he doesn’t even get a chance to look for Tyler before he hears a loud and distinctly American voice call out his name.

“Philip Lester, over here!”

Phil feels his face turn red as everyone in the Starbucks turns to look in his direction. He walks quickly over to where Tyler is seated at a table willing his too long and awkward limbs to cooperate and not bump into the corner of some other table. He makes it to Tyler’s table without incident and plops down in the seat across from him, and, sure enough, there’s a grande Caramel Macchiato and a chocolate chip cookie on the table.

“You know,” he says as he takes a sip of the drink that’s had just enough time to cool but not too much time to become cold, “I would thank you for ordering for me, but I don’t think I will. Do you have to embarrass me like that?”

It sounds a bit harsh, but he says it in a whiny tone and Tyler knows him well enough to know that he doesn’t really mean it.

“First of all,” Tyler replies, putting his own drink down on the table, “I told you to be here at 2:00 pm. It is now 2:37 pm and not once did you text me that you were going to be late. I think I earned a little bit of mild discomfort. Second, we both know that I love embarrassing you and will until the day I die. Remember that time I left you that voicemail-“

“Alright, Tyler,” Phil practically shouts, cutting him off, “Trust me, I do not need to be reminded of that voicemail. Sometimes, you are just the worst person.”

Tyler makes a questioning noise. “I’m the worst, huh? Well, would someone who’s the worst have invited you here to surprise you with the news that there’s a bookstore nearby that got early access to the newest Stephen King novel?”

Phil chokes on his drink at Tyler’s words and coughs a few times before grabbing Tyler’s arm and shaking it back and forth. 

“Are you serious?” he yells once he stops coughing at a volume that is in no way appropriate for the environment. “How do you even know that?”

Tyler chuckles as he pulls Phil’s hand off his arm.

“Yes, I’m serious,” he replies, “I have a friend who works there, and he was telling me how the store had such good ratings or made so much money last year or something that they got, like, perks and early access to certain books is one of them. I asked about what kinds of books, and he mentioned Stephen King and I thought ‘oh, I have a giant nerd of a friend who loves Stephen King, maybe I should tell him about this,’ but, alas, I am the worst person in the whole world, so…”

“Tyler, I swear, you are the single most amazing person in the entire world and I can’t believe I ever doubted that for an instant,” Phil says quickly with a smile so big it hurts to maintain.

Tyler smirks as he gathers his empty cup and dirty napkin.

“That’s what I thought you said. Now, come on, I told him we’d be there at three and your tardiness is gonna make me look bad.”

Phil grabs his own garbage and throws it away before following Tyler out the door, practically bouncing with excitement. They walk about three blocks at a brisk pace. It had stopped raining, but they really were running late to meet Tyler’s friend. 

They eventually arrive at a quaint little bookstore called “Chapter Two” tucked between two flat complexes. It’s a rather rustic-looking building painted a deep red color with a big window on each side of the door displaying the rows of books inside. One of the windows has a cute grey cutout of what looks like a baby bear and the other has one of a cat. The door has a sign on it that says “Welcome, friends.” As they walk in, the bell on the door chimes and the man sitting behind the counter lifts his head to look at them.

“Hey…” Tyler begins, but Phil is no longer listening. He is well aware that Tyler is speaking to the man, but the only noise running through his mind is the static he would hear when we tried to change the channel to anything other than basic cable at his grandparents’ house as a kid.

The man Tyler is talking to, the man he must be friends with, has to be the most beautiful human being Phil has ever seen. He’s tall, probably as tall as Phil, if not taller, has short curly hair and dark brown eyes and a nose that frames his face so well, and, holy shit, is that a silver hoop earring in his left ear? Phil didn’t even realize how long he had been staring until he feels Tyler nudge him hard with his elbow.

“Ow, Ty. Sorry, what was that?” Phil asks with a sheepish smile as he looks between Tyler and the other man.

Tyler looks up at him with, oh no, a smirk on his face and sighs dreamily.

“Oh, nothing Philip. I was just telling Daniel here that I brought you to his place of business for the newest Stephen King novel. You know, the one you were extremely excited about less than one minute ago.”

Phil turns from Tyler to the man-Daniel- and feels his cheeks go red.

“Oh, right. Yeah, I, um, love Stephen King a lot and Tyler told me that you had his newest novel. Well, not you specifically, but your store. This store. Um and I would like a copy of it. Please.”

Smooth Phil, he thinks to himself. Way to blow it with the cute guy.

To his surprise, Daniel laughs, and, fuck, is that a dimple?

“One Stephen King novel coming right up, Philip,” Daniel says with a wink before heading towards the back of the store.

Even his voice is beautiful, Phil thinks: soft and strong.

He is suddenly aware of Tyler looking at him with his head tilted and his signature smirk plastered on his face.

“Do not say a word,” Phil says, purposely avoiding any and all eye contact with him.

“Fine,” Tyler begins, walking away to go look at a nearby display, “But, you’ll thank me for this someday.”


	2. Chapter 2

Phil wakes up to the sound of his ringtone blaring at full volume. He groans as he blindly reaches a hand out to his nightstand, fumbling in search of his phone. He lets out a small sound of victory as he finds it, moves it close enough to his face to be able to see it without his glasses, and turns the alarm off.

He places the phone beside him on the bed and reaches back towards the nightstand to grab his glasses. He fumbles a bit and almost drops them but eventually grabs them and puts them on. He picks up his phone again and unlocks it, noticing a text notification from Tyler.

Tyler: Hey Philly, what are you doing today?

Phil: I work until 5, then nothing. Why?

Tyler: Would you mind joining your bestest friend on a little shopping trip around 6?

Phil: That depends. Will you be there, too?

Tyler: Very funny, mr. comedian. I just need some things, but I don’t wanna go by myself. I still don’t know London all that well.

Phil scoffs. Tyler’s been saying that he ‘doesn’t know London all that well’ since he moved here. Three years ago. The truth is that he still doesn’t fully understand The Underground and likes to have Phil around to help him figure out which train to take. Not that Phil particularly minds, of course.

Phil: Yeah, I’ll come. Meet at the same Starbucks as yesterday?

Tyler: Sure

Phil locks his phone and groans once more as he pulls himself out of bed. He manages to shower, brush his teeth, and get dressed in forty-five minutes. He grabs a handful of Crunchy Nut cereal before rushing out the door of his flat and walking the six blocks to the nearest Underground station. He sits on the train for four stops before he reaches the BBC office.

It still shocks him sometimes how he managed to get a job as a video editor at the BBC. He went through most of Uni trying to enjoy the experience and pay attention in his courses with the hope that he’d be able to find a job right after graduating. He didn’t. So, he decided to continue Uni for another year and get a Masters in video editing, which, looking back, was the best decision he ever made. After graduation, he managed to get a great internship editing for a local company. One of his colleagues then recommended him to someone high up at the BBC who offered him an entry level position as a video editor. Three years later, he has, in his opinion, the best job in the world. A job he never imagined having back when he was in Uni, scared that he would never make anything of himself and disappoint everyone around him, including himself.

He walks through the door and enters the lift, taking it to the 21st floor. He steps out of the lift and walks down the long hallway towards his office. Even that makes his heart race a bit. His office. The office he works in. Granted, he shares it with another editor, Safiya, but its still half his. 

He opens the door to his shared office, throws his bag and keys on his desk, and plops down onto the soft chair, spinning himself in circles a few times.

“You’ll never get tired of doing that, will you Lester?” Safiya quips.

Once the room stops spinning, Phil looks over at her and smiles. She’s only worked with him for about six months, but he already feels like they’ve known each other for years. Their personalities just match in a way that Phil isn’t really used to, even though they have fairly different interests. For one, Phil is not very good with fashion or style. He wears the same three button down colored shirts, and, until recently, let his hair flop down on his forehead in a fringe, while Safiya mixes and matches the most abstract, yet unique clothes in a way that Phil envies a tad but also loves. Today, for example, she’s wearing a dark green long-sleeved shirt with tassels on the sleeves and a flowy white skirt with the highest heels Phil has ever seen. Her long black hair is tied up in a bun, and Phil doesn’t know a lot about makeup, but he knows for a fact that Safiya’s looks incredible and probably took her at least an hour to do.

“I don’t think so, no,” Phil responds with a smirk.

“Whatever,” she says with a matching smirk. “Greg told me he emailed you about a new PSA video he wants you to work on. I would offer my assistance, but I have, like, three articles to approve before they can go up on the website.”

“No problem,” Phil answers, opening up his laptop. “I’ll get started right now.”

They spend most of the day working in comfortable silence save for a couple of bad jokes Phil tells and Safiya showing him a picture her boyfriend texted her of a cute dog wearing a beanie. At five, they start packing up their belongings. Phil sends a quick text to Tyler letting him know that he’s on his way to Starbucks and exits the office with Safiya at his right.

“You know, Phil,” she starts, and Phil has to repress the groan that is building up inside him.

He knows she means well; she always does, but he also knows what’s coming.

“If you’re not busy,” she continues, “My Tyler and I and some friends of ours are headed to that bar by Hyde Park. It’ll be fun. You know… have some drinks, dance a little, meet someone special.”

She wiggles her eyebrows and nudges him a bit at that last part and he knows he was right all along but can’t find it in himself to be upset or frustrated. Her intentions are pure. She just wants Phil to be happy, but this is the fifth time this month alone she’s invited him out somewhere so that he can ‘meet someone special.’ He would love to hang out with her, her boyfriend, Tyler, and her friends for a night. In fact, he has taken her up on her offer before, but every time he leaves at the end of the night by himself, he feels as if he’s let her down. She’s never said as much, but, the next week, she invites him out again with the same hope. He knows that hope. He’s seen it before. From his other friends. From his family. His mum. And, again, its hard for him to be mad at them because he knows they just want the best for him, but he doesn’t know how to explain to them that he wants to find someone but has never found someone he felt a connection with who actually wanted to be with him, too. He wishes he could find the words because it would just make everything a lot easier.

In the end, he just laughs.

“That does sound really fun, but, I actually have plans. With my Tyler. We’re going shopping.”

“Let me guess, he still doesn’t know London yet.” Safiya says, a cheeky grin on her face.

“You got it,” Phil responds with a matching grin.

“Alright, well, then you’re off the hook this time, Lester. But, next time, you will party with us and you will have fun. That’s an order.”

“Aye Aye captain,” Phil says with an exaggerated salute.

Safiya giggles and shakes her head as they step into the lift. Once the lift reaches the lobby, they exchange goodbyes and Phil begins heading back towards the Underground.  
Forty-five minutes later, he pushes open the door to the familiar Starbucks and begins to look for Tyler.

“Philip, over here,” he hears Tyler call from an unknown location.

He follows the sound of Tyler’s voice and smiles once he spots him. He begins walking towards the table but stops dead in his tracks once he gets a better look because, seated right next to Tyler, looking as cute as ever, is Daniel.


	3. Chapter 3

“Alright, gentleman,” Tyler declares after the three of them dispose of their empty Starbucks cups, “Let’s get going. I need a new shirt for the gala next weekend.”

Right. Phil had almost forgotten about the gala. After finishing university in America, Tyler started working for a non-profit that provides housing, food, and other needs to homeless LGBTQ+ youth. Once he moved to England three years prior, he found a similar non-profit to work for that also hosts a yearly gala to raise money and gather support. Phil was his plus one two years ago and remembers having a great time. Tyler spent the majority of the time on the red carpet, interviewing people for a livestream, but Phil also had the opportunity to speak to a lot of different people. The entire experience had really opened his eyes and made him prouder than ever to be bisexual. 

They exit the Starbucks and walk down the street towards the nearest Underground stop. As Dan walks forward to read the schedule and find when the next train comes, Tyler pulls Phil aside.

“Alright, Phil, what is up with you?” Tyler whispers, just slightly too loud.

“What do you mean?” Phil responds, not looking Tyler in the eye.

Tyler scoffs. “Oh, you know exactly what I mean, Philip. You haven’t said more than two words to Dan. Come on, talk to him. That’s why I invited him to join us. I know that you like him.”

“Shh,” Phil hisses, looking around to make sure that Dan didn’t hear him. 

“I don’t like him, Tyler. I mean, not that way, not yet at least. I, I barely know him.”

“Exactly,” Tyler says, “You don’t know him, so use this opportunity to get to know him. I mean, you’re clearly already into him. I could tell from the way you looked at him at the bookstore the other day. I’m just trying to help you out. I mean, when was the last time you’ve been on a date?”

Phil sighs and rubs his temple. “Tyler,” he begins, “I appreciate that. I do, but this is way too sudden. I mean, I’m not prepared to, I don’t know, woo him or whatever. I don’t know what to say or what to ask or how to act.”

“You could try just being yourself, you know?” Tyler replies.

“Oh,” Phil says with a small harsh laugh, “You mean, an awkward hopelessly single nerd?”

“No,” Tyler retorts gently, “I mean a kind, funny, and very handsome awkward nerd who needs to learn to give himself some more credit for the wonderful person he is. Plus, Dan seemed to really like you the other day. Trust me, I know him. But, even if he doesn’t feel the same way, you are still one of the best people I know, and you deserve nothing but happiness. Okay?”

Phil smiles at Tyler, hoping to convey his gratitude.

“Thank you, Ty. That means a lot,” he adds, his voice a bit watery.

“No problem, you doof,” Tyler replies with a matching smile. “Now, go over there, and woo your man.”

 

They’ve been on the Underground for exactly fifteen minutes and thirty seconds, but Phil still has not managed to say one word to Dan. He wants to, but he can’t seem to force his brain to produce even one coherent thought. Tyler’s managed to keep the conversation going, though, and Phil keeps trying to find an opportunity to jump in. 

“And then he has the nerve to say that I’m wrong when I know that I am right.”

Phil escapes from his own head as Tyler recounts to Dan an instance from last week when he and his neighbor argued over an artist’s inspiration behind their newest album.

“So,” Tyler continues, “To prove that I was right, I found an article from the BBC with him where he literally stated that the album was mostly about his no-good cheating ex.”

Suddenly, Tyler’s eyes light up and he looks over at Phil.

“Speaking of the BBC,” he says, speaking to Dan but still looking at Phil, “Phil works there, you know.”

Dan turns towards Phil with a huge smile on his face.

“Do you really?” he asks, “That’s bloody amazing. It must be such a fascinating job. Are you part of a radio show?”

Phil smiles bashfully and shakes his head until he forces his mouth to form words.

“No, unfortunately not. I’m a video editor, but it’s a really great job. I love it.”

Phil is certain that Dan is bored now. He knows that Phil doesn’t have some extraordinary job and is just, well, average. He’ll nod politely, and they’ll go back to awkward silence.

To his surprise, Dan is still smiling and looks even more interested. 

“Oh, that must be so cool, you know, getting the chance to observe the small, maybe looked over, details of each video you edit.”

“Yeah,” Phil answers with a small smile, “It really is. It sometimes feels like I’m experiencing the video in a way that no one else gets to because I see it from its most original state, camera mistakes and all. It’s really time consuming and kind of hard, but I have some experience. I used to edit amateur videos I made with some friends back in Uni.”

“Really?” Dan asks, “I absolutely love that. I actually used to make videos, too, on YouTube, when I was younger, but I was shit at editing and also, um, super busy, so I gave it up. Maybe you could give me some editing tips sometime?”

Phil is fairly positive that Dan meant that with the purest intentions, but, for some reason, he can’t help blushing at the words. 

“Uh, uh, yeah,” he manages to get out, “Sure. That sounds fun.”

“Fun,” Dan repeats with a small smile as the train stops right where they need to get off.

“Alright, come on you two,” Tyler declares, “I need both of you to help me decide which color goes best with my eyes.”

Dan and Phil share an amused look as they follow Tyler towards the shopping center.

 

Later that night, Phil lays in bed, completely and utterly shocked. After he and Dan bonded over video making and editing, they discovered they had a lot of other stuff in common. Dan loves video games just as much as Phil does, if not more, and claims to be able to beat anyone at Mario Kart. They’re also both introverts and used to have the same obsession with emo culture and Muse’s first few albums. Never in his life has Phil met someone so like him but, at the same time, so completely different from him. Dan is quick to react to everything, whether positively or negatively, while Phil tries to think things through first and react later, if at all. It’s all so new, something that Phil has never experienced before, but, after saying goodbye to Dan tonight, he finds himself being unable to wait until he can see Dan again.

His phone buzzes on the nightstand next to him, so he reaches over and grabs it. His heart stops when he sees the notification: Text from Dan. He completely forgot that him and Dan exchanged phone numbers. He unlocks his phone and reads the message.

Dan: Hey, I know its kind of late, but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Maybe this weekend?

Phil puts his phone down beside him on the bed and proceeds to rub his hands over his face while silently celebrating. Dan wants to hang out with him. Just the two of them. He takes a deep breath and stares down at the message on his phone.

Phil: Sure, how about Saturday at my place. Around noon?

He locks his phone and throws it back on the bed. There. He did it. It buzzes again a few seconds later and he crosses his fingers quickly before reading Dan’s next message.

Dan: Sounds great :D Where do you live?

Phil smiles so big that it starts to hurt. Him and Dan are hanging out this Saturday at his place. He can’t believe it. He quickly responds with his address and a thumbs up emoji, locks his phone, and lays back down in bed. About thirty seconds later, he shoots up from his bed with wide eyes and exactly one panicked thought.

Him and Dan are hanging out this Saturday at his place. 

 

Phil walks around the living room of his flat, checking that there are no stray socks on the floor or couch: for the third time in an hour. 

He’s stressing. He knows he is. But he also can’t help it. He likes Dan, feels a genuine connection with him. As soon as he saw him that first time in the bookstore, he knew that Dan meant something to him and was going to have an important role in his life, even if its not in a romantic sense. So he wants to impress Dan, to ensure that this isn’t the only time they ever hang out alone.

The door bell rings as Phil is reorganizing his tiny houseplants and he is so taken aback that he drops one of them and its pot shatters into pieces on the floor.

“Oh, shhhine a light,” Phil exclaims, catching himself before he swears. 

He considers whether he should open the door first, clean the mess first, or just climb out the window and never look back until he hears a voice call out from behind the door.

“Phil? Is everything okay in there?” Dan calls, a hint of concern in his voice.

“Oh, uh, yeah, hold on,” Phil replies.

He runs over to the door, careful to avoid the pieces of pot, and opens it, revealing Dan.

Dan who, in Phil’s modest opinion, looks absolutely incredible. He’s wearing a big grey jumper that seems to swallow him whole and dark skinny jeans. His hair looks so soft and curly that Phil is tempted to touch it but doesn’t because of personal space, and the black stud earrings just complete the entire look.

It hits Phil suddenly that he’s definitely been staring too long and Dan’s now staring back at him, an amused smile on his face, his head slightly tilted to the side.

“Am I allowed to come in? Or was that crash the sound of your roof imploding?” Dan asks.

Phil blinks. “Oh, right, yes, of course you can,” he says sheepishly, stepping aside so Dan can walk in, “Sorry about the crash. My, um, plant fell over.”

“Oh, crap, really? Is it okay?” Dan questioned, looking behind Phil to try to find the plant remains.

“I’m not sure,” Phil answers, a bit surprised by Dan’s interest in his houseplant, “It’s over by the couch, so we can go check.”

Dan nods and Phil leads them towards the sight of the crash. There, by the couch, sits a small pile of dirt, broken ceramics, and leaves.

“I think it’s a goner,” Phil says.

“Too bad,” Dan says, “It looked healthy. You must have been taking really good care of it.”

“Not really,” Phil replies, “Just got lucky, I guess. You should see the other ones I have. They’re all constantly dying of thirst no matter what I do.”

“At least you’re trying,” Dan says, “It shows how much you care. And that you don’t give up on things, no matter how frustrating or hopeless it may seem.”

Phil is stunned into silence by Dan’s words but eventually nods.

“Yeah, thank you. Really. Um, how about I clean this up while you set up Mario Kart on the TV?”

Dan smiles. “Absolutely. Be careful, though. Those pieces are sharp.”

“I’m a big boy, Dan. I think I can handle this,” Phil says, before promptly whacking his shin into the side of his coffee table.

“Um, that doesn’t count,” he counters, rubbing his shin.

Dan simply raises an eyebrow at him and walks towards the TV.

Phil exhales deeply and goes to fetch the broom to clean up the mess.

When he walks back into the living room, he finds Dan sitting on the couch, looking around the flat.

“This is a really nice place,” Dan says, once he notices Phil enter the room, “I guess the BBC pays pretty well, huh?”

“Well, yeah,” Phil answers, taking a seat next to Dan on the couch, “But I’ve also had this flat for a few years now. My parents and I chose it after I graduated Uni and got an internship in London.”

“Ahh,” Dan says, “So you and your parents are close then?”

“Really close,” Phil replies, “My entire family is close: me, my parents, my older brother. They’ve always been there for me. We even go on vacation together every year, even though my brother’s almost 30 and I’m 26.”

Phil smiles. Talking about his family is one of his most favorite things.

Dan nods and smiles. “So, you’re a family man, huh? That’s really sweet.”

“Yup,” Phil replies, “What about you? What’s your family like?”

Dan gets quiet suddenly and Phil wonders if he’s said something wrong, but Dan eventually answers him.

“My parents and I are cordial, I guess. We talk occasionally, I visit home every now and then. There’s no issues, really. We were just never close. But its fine, really. And, well, that’s it.”

Phil nods. “Okay. Well, how about we play some Mario Kart and I kick your ass.”

Dan chuckles and sticks out his tongue playfully. “Oh, you are on, Lester.”

After two solid hours of Mario Kart, Phil places his controller down on the couch.

“Okay, you were right. I surrender.”

“Sorry, Phil. I can’t help it if I’m just absolutely incredible at Mario Kart. It’s one of the few talents I possess, tbh,” Dan says.

“Well, you are really good. Like, super good.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to practice,” Dan responds, looking down at his lap for a few seconds before looking back up at Phil, his smile back on his face.

Phil is confused but decides against pressing for more details.

“Do you want to just watch some TV, then?” he asks.

“Sure,” Dan answers, “What did you have in mind?”

“Do you like Buffy?”

“The vampire slayer?”

“Of course,” Phil responds as if it’s the most obvious thing in the entire world.

“I do. I’ve only seen it all the way through, like, once, but I really enjoyed it.”

“Well, good, because I’m currently two seasons in to my fifth rewatch of the entire series and I will not let you distract me from my mission.”

“A man on a mission,” Dan states, “I like it.”

He finishes his statement with a wink and Phil has to practically force himself not to giggle like a schoolgirl. Instead, he coughs awkwardly and smiles at Dan.

“I’m glad,” he answers, winking back.

Dan seems a little taken aback by Phil being so explicitly flirtatious and ducks his head, but Phil can swear that his cheeks are a bit red.

Twenty minutes later, Buffy is playing on the TV, but all Phil can focus on is the lack of space between him and Dan on the couch. If he wanted to, he could extend his pinkie and be touching Dan’s knee. And he wants to. He also keeps sneaking glances towards Dan. He is so out of his element right now. He has no idea what to do or if he should actively do anything at all. It’s been months since he’s been on a date and years since he’s been this invested with a date. If this is actually a date at all. He’s still fighting his internal battle when he feels something brush his hand. 

He looks down in a way that he hopes to be casual and sees Dan’s hand pressed against his. He feels his heart stop and tries to decide what he should do. He ultimately decides to throw caution to the wind and slowly places his pinkie finger on top of Dan’s. He swears that he hears Dan’s breath hitch and is certain that he sees Dan move just the slightest bit closer to him. The episode ends, but Phil is definitely not paying attention anymore. His attention is solely focused on the side of Dan’s face. Dan seems to be deep in thought. Phil watches him exhale shakily before he turns towards Phil and Phil feels his own breath hitch. Dan’s face is mere centimeters from his own. They lock eyes and Phil watches Dan lean in towards him. His heart is pounding as he closes his eyes, waiting for Dan to kiss him. Except, he doesn’t.

Phil opens his eyes to see Dan still just as close to him but now looking down at the floor. They sit in silence until Dan speaks.

“Sorry about that. Um, just, sorry. I wanted to, I want to, but, um. I got a text anyway. I need to get back home, minor emergency.”

Phil just nods, his mouth open a little. “Oh, of course, yeah. Is everything okay?”

Dan nods. “Yeah. I just need to go.”

Neither of them move. Dan’s phone chimes between them and they both physically jump a bit at the noise pulling them out of their own little world. Dan moves away from him and stands up.

“I really need to go, but this was so much fun. Really. It’s the most fun I’ve had in, well, a really long time. Thank you, Phil.”

Phil smiles. “You don’t have to thank me. I had a lot of fun, as well. Do you think we could, um, hang out again sometime?”

He holds his breath awaiting Dan’s answer.

“Absolutely.”

Phil breaths a sigh of relief and smiles even bigger. “Great. I’ll text you. Get home safe.”

Dan nods as he opens the door. “Thanks, you too. I mean, wait, not you too. You are home. Stay home safe, I suppose.”

Phil chuckles. “Bye Dan.”

“Bye Phil.” 

Once the door closes behind Dan, Phil flops down onto the couch and buries his face into one of his pillows. He almost kissed Dan and Dan almost kissed him. Hell, Dan hasn’t even been gone for thirty seconds and Phil already misses him.

He is so royally screwed.


	4. Chapter 4

Despite Phil’s initial fears, nothing much changes after the almost kiss between him and Dan. 

He’s still not completely sure if that makes him happy or sad. On one hand, he’s happy that Dan didn’t run for the hills and still wants to be his friend. On the other hand, he’s not sure if he wants to be only friends with Dan. At that moment, he had wanted nothing more than to kiss Dan. To hold him close and run his fingers through Dan’s curly locks. But, maybe, actually kissing Dan would have made things worse. Maybe Dan would have gotten freaked out and ran off and Phil would have never heard from him again. Or, maybe, Dan would have regretted it because he didn’t like Phil in that way, and, honestly, Phil kind of prefers not knowing how Dan really feels. Living in ambiguity hurts less than knowing the truth.  
\--------  
It’s been exactly three days since the almost kiss and the only thing Phil is certain of is that he needs to talk to someone about it. He and Dan are obviously still talking and its not necessarily awkward between them, but how do you talk about your conflicting emotions over an almost kiss with the person you almost kissed. He considered telling his mum or his brother, Martyn, but doesn’t want to get his family involved just yet. His mum will insist that they are meant to be and he’s not ready for that kind of talk. He could have told Safiya because she’s rather impartial and unlikely to tease or judge him, but she’s on vacation this week with her boyfriend and he doesn’t want to bug them. 

Telling Tyler seems like the obvious option. He loves Tyler and trusts him with his life, but, at the same time, Tyler loves to tease him and is not impartial in the slightest. As he walks into Tyler’s apartment that same day after work, he knows that he’s in for it.

“Alright, Lester, what’s up?”

“What do you mean?” Phil asks innocently, sitting down on Tyler’s couch.

“Don’t give me that,” Tyler retorts, taking a seat in a chair across from Phil, “You texted me saying quote ‘we need to talk but you are not allowed to give me shit.’ But we both know how much I love giving you shit, so spill.”

Phil sighs. “Fine. Okay, so, on Saturday, I invited Dan over. And it was great. We talked, laughed, played video games, and watched Buffy. I really enjoy spending time with him. And then, while we were watching TV, we touched hands and then there was intense eye contact and then he was leaning in and I was leaning in and, well…”

He trails off, but Tyler seems to know exactly what he means because he suddenly rises from his chair and shrieks.

“You two kissed!! And I’m only hearing about this now because?”

“Tyler, shh, be quiet,” Phil whispers with a hiss as if someone could actually hear them, “You know your neighbors will file a noise complaint.”

“Who cares about that? You and Dan kissed. This is fucking amazing. I am absolutely going to be best man at your wedding.”

“We didn’t kiss,” Phil corrects quietly, looking down at his lap.

“What?”

“We didn’t kiss,” he says a bit louder, “We almost did but, I don’t know, he pulled back before we could. He said he got a text, but I still feel like that’s not the only reason he stopped.”

“Okay,” Tyler says slowly, leaning back into his seat, “Well, did you talk to him about it?”

“No,” Phil replies sheepishly, “But he said he had an emergency at home and needed to leave. I didn’t want to keep him.”

“Okay, but what about since then?”

“Um, well, no,” Phil answers, looking anywhere but at Tyler.

“Phillll,” Tyler says exasperatedly, as if he’s completely and utterly done with Phil’s shit, which, to be fair, he probably is.

“I know,” Phil whines, “But I really like spending time with him, Ty. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to date me. I just want to have him in my life and I’m afraid if I talk to him about the almost kiss, he’ll get freaked out and not want to be my friend anymore.”

Tyler looks down and nods, trying to process everything.

“Alright. I get that, Phil. I do. I know making friends isn’t easy for you and I also know that Dan is a great person. You two have so much in common it’s actually sickening. But I also know that you are the type of person who puts yourself and your own needs after everyone else’s, which is commendable, but only good in moderation. I’m not saying to force Dan to talk about the almost kiss or why he didn’t kiss you, but you owe it to him and mostly yourself to at least tell him how it made you feel and how you feel about him. If he’s not ready for more than friendship or doesn’t feel that way about you, then you guys can either try to work things out or take some time apart. I know that might hurt, but its better than both of you constantly wondering ‘what if’ until, years from now, one of you snaps and you lose each other, maybe forever. I don’t want you to lose him, Phil. He’s wonderful. But I also don’t want you to lose you. Because you’re pretty damn amazing.”

Phil sits perfectly still, almost stunned by Tyler’s words. Not that Tyler has never complimented him or given him good advice before, but something about this particular advice hits Phil hard and leaves him unsure how to process it. He raises his head to look at Tyler and finds himself unable to speak, choked up by emotion. He barely says Tyler’s name before Tyler is rushing forward, wrapping his arms around him.

“God, I love you, Ty,” he croaks out, wrapping his arms tightly around Tyler’s neck.

“I know, and I love you, too” Tyler responds.

They hug for a bit longer and then Tyler lets him go and sits beside him on the couch, giving Phil a few seconds to compose himself.

“Now,” Tyler states, “Text that boy and make more plans to hang out. You two need to talk. And, honestly, I’m rooting for you guys. I can see it now. #Phan.”

“Phan?” Phil asks.

“Absolutely. Now do it, text him.”

“Alright, bossy pants,” Phil responds, sending a quick text to Dan, asking him to hang out this Sunday at his place.

They sit in silence until Phil’s phone beeps with a notification from Dan.

Dan: Sure! How’s noon?

Phil sighs in relief and sends back a thumb up emoji and one of a dancing chicken.

“You really are something else, Phil Lester,” Tyler states, “And I absolutely love you for it.”  
\--------------  
Phil really expected to be more nervous about seeing Dan this time around, but, strangely, he isn’t. 

Or, at least, he isn’t as nervous as he was the last time or the time before that at Starbucks or the time before that at the bookstore. He feels like he knows Dan better now and knows that Dan wants to maintain their friendship just as much as he does. Or, perhaps, he’s just hoping that Dan values their budding friendship enough to overlook the almost kiss and the fact that Phil has a serious crush on him. He’s knows that Dan doesn’t owe him anything, not even friendship, but losing Dan would hurt, even though he knows he would get over it eventually. He also knows that, like Tyler said, he owes it to Dan and himself to be honest and give Dan the opportunity to do the same. Whatever happens next happens and they’ll both have to deal with it. He’s accepted that and maybe that’s why he’s not as nervous.

He’s shaken out of his thoughts by the sound of his phone going off. He picks it up and sees a text from Dan that makes his heart sink.

Dan: Hey! Sorry, I can’t make it today. :( I woke up feeling like shit. Raincheck?

He looks down at his phone for a few seconds before snapping out of it and responding with a general message about definitely rescheduling and hoping that he feels better. 

He spends the next hour cleaning up his flat and doing laundry to distract himself, but he just can’t seem to shake the thoughts running through his head. He can’t last even another minute without talking to Dan. He needs to talk to him. It’s important for both of them. At the same time, though, Dan is sick, and he doesn’t want to make him feel worse or take advantage of his weak state. But, he needs to see him. Not even to talk about the kiss, just to see him and make sure that everything is still okay.

He’s suddenly hit with an idea and picks up his phone, quickly texting Tyler.

Phil: Do you know where Dan lives?

Tyler: Why?

Phil: He asked to hang out at his place instead and I forgot to ask where he lives.

Tyler: So ask him

Phil: I can’t, I feel stupid. Come on, pleeeeease?

Tyler: Ugh, fine.

As soon as he receives the text from Tyler with Dan’s address, he sprints out of his flat towards the nearest Underground, stopping at a local deli to pick up some soup for Dan. He takes the train to the other side of London and walks to Dan’s place, a tall flat complex, not too different from his own on the outside. He takes the lift up to the twelfth floor and slowly approaches Dan’s door. 

He stands on the other side of the door and can’t help but note how cliché this all seems. He practically ran here and now he’s going to knock on the door and Dan’s going to answer and be surprised but happy and, maybe, the day will end with them figuring things out. Maybe Dan will even reciprocate his feelings. He takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. He hears the sound of feet approaching and closes his eyes briefly as the person behind the door unlocks it. Phil’s entire world seems to be going in slow motion, but, finally, the door opens to reveal a young boy.

He looks to be about five and is pretty tall with curly brown hair, hazel eyes, and a confused look on his face.

“Who are you?” he asks, his voice high and blunt, the way young kids’ voices usually are.

“Um, I’m Phil. I’m here to see Dan. Does he live here?” he answers, worried that he has the wrong apartment.

“DADDY!” the young boy calls into the flat and Phil feels as if he’s been hit in the stomach.

Before he can even process what this means, Dan runs into the room, looking frantic and concerned.

“Noah, what’s wrong? What’s happened? Why is the door open? I told you not to open the door? Who-“

He cuts himself off suddenly as he looks up and sees Phil standing there.

“Um, hi,” Phil says, feeling as if he wants the earth to swallow him whole.

“Hi,” Dan responds, walking closer to where him and Noah, apparently, are standing, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Um, Phil, this is Noah. My son.”


	5. Chapter 5

Phil watches Dan reenter the living room and sit down next to him on the small couch. Dan sent Noah to his room after the awkward introductions and has said nothing to Phil so far save for asking if he wants anything to drink. They’re quiet for a few moments before Phil finally speaks.

“So, you’re feeling better, huh?”

He doesn’t spit it out or say it in a rude tone, but he knows that its uncalled for, but he also can’t help it. He’s confused and surprised and a bit hurt that Dan didn’t tell him sooner. Dan says nothing in response, so Phil shakes his head and begins again.

“I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m just surprised is all. Let me start again. So, you, um, you have a son.”

Finally, Dan nods. 

“I do. Noah. He’s three, almost four.”

Phil does the math silently in his head.

“You were 18 when he was born?” he asks gently.

Dan nods again, looking down at his lap. He says nothing, so Phil continues.

“Um, you obviously don’t have to answer, but, is the, uh, mum still around?”

Dan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before looking straight at Phil.

“He doesn’t have a mum,” Dan says quietly, “I gave birth to him.”

“Oh,” Phil says, “Okay, well then, um, is the other dad still around?”

Dan nods. “He lives in Kensington. We share custody. He was supposed to watch Noah today, but had a work emergency. He, um, he’s my ex-husband, Phil.”

Phil feels the air physically leave his lungs as he tries to process Dan’s words. Dan was married. To a man he has a child with.   
He must have stayed silent for too long because Dan is suddenly sighing rather loudly.

“Look, Phil,” he states, “If you have a problem with this or me or whatever, I’d much rather you tell me now and leave, then prolong the awkwardness. I get that this is probably a shock, especially after last week, but I don’t need your judgment. Believe me, I have dealt with enough judgment to last two lifetimes.”

“I’m not judging you,” Phil pleads, “I’m not, I swear. I’m just really surprised. So, you had a child when you were 18. There’s nothing wrong with that. So, you were married. That’s okay, too. To be honest, I’m sort of relieved. I was worried that you were cheating on someone with me because of, you know, last week.”

Dan stares at Phil for a bit before nodding and looking down. When he looks back up, his eyes are less piercing, and his face is more relaxed.

“Trust me, I am very single. Honestly, I haven’t dated anyone since the divorce last year. And it’s pretty hard to date when you have a toddler running around.”

He gets serious suddenly and looks into Phil’s eyes.

“I like you, Phil. I do. And I wanted to kiss you last week. But, its not about me, not just about me. You have to understand, my son means everything to me. No matter what I was or am dealing with or who was judging me or while my marriage was falling apart, he was there for me. He will always come first. Always.”

Phil nods.

“Of course, Dan. Of course he comes first. I get that, but, you know, you are allowed to think about yourself, too. And your happiness.”

Dan laughs a little.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just hard to find a balance, I guess. Like, last week, I wanted nothing more than to kiss you and ask you on a date, but this little voice in my head, the ‘responsible parent’ voice, was telling me that dating you will only lead to Noah becoming too attached and being devastated once you decide that you’re done playing house. And I can’t do that to him. I already feel like I did it to him after me and Eric got divorced.”

Phil puts a hand onto Dan’s shoulder and squeezes slightly.

“Dan, staying in a marriage where you weren’t happy would have only caused more problems for all three of you down the line. At least now, Noah will grow up in a healthy and loving environment. And, look, I don’t want to cause you or him any unneeded stress or pain, but I do want to be in your life. As your friend. It seems like its been a while since you’ve had a friend who knows you. All of you. But, I’ll only be in your life as long as you want me to, if you want me to.”

Dan puts his hand on top of Phil’s where its still resting on his shoulder. 

“I do want you as my friend, and, maybe someday, hopefully more than that. But, for now, I suppose it would be nice to have somehow come over and help me take care of him. He’s at that age, you know?”

He ends his statement with a small laugh and Phil laughs along with him.

“So, you want me to be a part of his life?” Phil asks, his voice turning serious.

Dan looks a bit pensive. “For now, you’ll be in his life as my friend Phil. We’ll start out slow and I’ll have to double check with Eric first, but I do want you to be in his life because he’s a big part of my life and I want you to be in my life, all of it. But, I swear to God, if you hurt my son, I will skin you.”

Phil nods. “I completely agree, and I promise that I will never do anything to hurt him or you. How this works is entirely up to you and Eric and Noah. But, I am excited. To get to know you even better and Noah, too. He seems like a great kid.”

Dan smiles. “He is. He’s so outgoing and inquisitive. I just want to wrap him up in my arms while he’s still my little baby and never let him go.”

Phil giggles. “That’s sweet.”

 

He leaves Dan’s flat shortly after that, both of them agreeing that Phil shouldn’t properly introduce himself to Noah until they get Eric’s approval. Phil knows that that probably means he’ll have to meet Eric first and he’s not sure how he feels about that. 

In all honesty, he’s not sure how he feels about anything that just happened. Obviously, in no way does he judge Dan or Eric, and Noah seems like a perfectly sweet kid. At the same time, he can’t help but feel like Dan and him are in different stages of their lives. Even though it probably wasn’t planned, Dan is a parent and has been a parent for almost four years. He has balanced being a parent with being employed and being, well, a person. He’s also probably made sacrifices and has fears and worries that Phil cannot even imagine making or having at this point in his life. And he’s four years older than Dan. 

He also can’t help worrying that Noah might get attached to him and his relationship with Dan might not work out for whatever reason and Noah would be heartbroken. The last thing he wants is for Noah to get hurt. Or, maybe Noah won’t like him at all. How could he expect Dan to keep him in his life if the most important person in Dan’s life doesn’t like him? But, he feels selfish for even thinking that. Noah is Dan’s son and Phil is just some guy he’s known for a few weeks.

Phil is removed from his thoughts by the sound of his phone ringing. It’s ringing, not buzzing, which means someone is calling him, which means one of two things: it’s his Mum or it’s a telemarketer. He looks at the screen and sees the contact, “Mum <3,” and answers it.

“Hello, child,” his mum says cheerfully.

“Hi, mum,” he responds, attempting to sound as cheery as she does.

“What’s wrong?” his mum asks in a concerned tone. He knew that she would see through his bullshit.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” he tries, “What’s up?”

“I wanted to ask if you were caught up with season two of Downtown Abbey yet, but now it seems to me that there is something you want to talk about,” his mum answers.

“Um, its kind of complicated.”

“Well, I’ve got plenty of time,” she says in that parental tone of hers that means that Phil is not getting out of this.

“Okay, so, I met this guy,” he starts.

“Oh, you’ve met someone! Philip, that’s lovely. I’m so happy for you. When can we meet him?”

He sighs. He knew this would happen. This is what always happens. He loves his mum; she’s always there for him and they get along so well. But she has this obsession with Phil falling in love and getting married and anytime he so much as mentions a new person, she acts as if they’re engaged or something. He supposes that he should be happy his family is so supportive of his sexuality, but it still hurts that they seem to view his life as nothing more than a countdown until some happily ever after. 

“No, mum, it’s not like that. Or, at least, not yet. Or maybe ever. I don’t know. I, just, I like him, and he likes me, too.”

“Well, then, I don’t understand the issue, love,” his mum replies gently.

“The issue is that, well, he has a son.”

His mum practically squeals into the phone.

“Oh, a child! Philip, that’s wonderful! You love kids. Why would this ever be an issue?”

“It’s not that the son is an issue,” Phil starts, trying to make sense of his thoughts, “It’s that this guy has an entire life I just don’t understand. He’s 22 and has a son and a job and an ex-husband who’s still in his life and I’m 26 and think that I’m adult because dad gave me a cordless power drill for my birthday once. I feel like our differences will overwhelm how we feel about each other and then it’ll all go wrong. And what if his son doesn’t like me? Or likes me too much and then is really sad if we break up? What if… what if I lose him forever because I tried to force my way into a world I don’t belong in?”

His mum is silent for a bit and Phil worries that he said too much.

“Do you remember,” she begins, “when you told your dad and me that you wanted to move to London after you graduated?”

“Yeah,” Phil says with a small laugh, “I thought you were going to pass out.”

His mum laughs, too. 

“You were my youngest. My last little bird still in the nest. And I didn’t want you to leave because I was afraid for you out there in the big city all alone, but also because I was afraid to be left in the nest all alone. I know I have your dad and I love him dearly but having you and Martyn in the house was such a different experience, a different world, than how it is now with just me and your dad or even when you boys visit. I love it now, but it took me some time to get there. After you two were born, mine and your father’s lives changed drastically. Suddenly, our entire lives centered around you two. You get so used to it, to putting yourself last all the time. And I don’t regret it for a second, but, after you two left, I was afraid because I forgot who I was beyond being a parent. And I imagine that your friend is going through those same conflicting emotions right now. It’s hard and confusing, especially because you’ll find that a parent will do anything for their kids, but I don’t want your friend to forget himself, Phil. Or you, either, if or when the time comes. It took me years to find myself again and I took it as a learning experience, but it was a hard lesson to learn.”

Now, its Phil’s turn to be silent.

“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice barely higher than a whisper. His mum still hears him, though. 

“No, child, never be sorry for my decisions. It was my decision. And the issue wasn’t me putting you boys first, as it was putting myself last. It’s scary how easy it becomes to prioritize everything over yourself and your well-being. That friend of yours sounds like he’s been though a lot and I imagine that he wants someone in his life who has different experiences. And I think, if he’s willing to have you in his life and in his son’s life, then it doesn’t hurt to try. He should learn sooner rather than later to not put himself last. And you should too, Philip.”

“Thanks, mum. I’ll, I’ll talk to him. And, just to be sure, you are happy now, right?”

“Child, I was always happy,” his mum replies, “It’s just that now, I understand that happiness can come from all different places and they’re not mutually exclusive. I love you, my dear. Good luck with everything and keep me updated.”

“Of course, mum,” he says, “I love you, too.”

He hangs up the phone and sinks into his sofa, rubbing a hand over his face. He thinks about everything his mum said and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised. He had no idea how much she sacrificed, how much of herself she sacrificed, for him and Martyn. He knows she said not to blame himself, but its hard not to. At least, its hard not to think about all the times growing up when he was selfish and only thought of himself while his parents only thought of him and Martyn. Neither are healthy ways to live, though, he realizes, and the realization is what finally makes him understand what he should do next. 

He needs to talk with Dan and set some boundaries because he wants to be a part of Dan’s life but only if Dan will let him. He wants to do this for himself and for Dan, but only if it benefits Dan as much as it will him. If Dan wants to take things slow or wait altogether, then that’s exactly what he’ll do. If Dan wants to find happiness within his relationship with Phil, whatever that may be, in addition to the happiness he feels as a parent, then Phil will work his hardest to ensure that Dan is able to find that happiness.

He sits up rather abruptly and grabs his phone, texting Dan.

Phil: Hey, do you want to hang out some time this week?

He waits for Dan’s response for a few minutes. He sees the familiar three dots appear, then go away, then reappear over and over. The more time passes, the more anxious he becomes, until his phone rings in his hand and he almost drops it out of shock. Dan’s calling him.

“Hello?” Phil says after answering the phone.

“Hey,” Dan replies, sounding nervous, “I got your text.”

“Cool, so, um, are you free this week?”

He’s silent. For a moment, Phil is afraid that he’s overstepping his boundaries or that Dan might think of this as a pity call, but then Dan responds.

“I am. I’m off Wednesday and Noah has a play date at six with a friend from daycare.”

“Aww, cute,” Phil says, “I get out of work at five, so maybe we could meet up somewhere.”

“Well, that’s the thing,” Dan says, sounding nervous again, “He’s staying with me from Wednesday through next Saturday. And on Wednesday morning, he’s being dropped off at my place because I have the day off. I’m going to spend the day with him and then he’s getting picked up for his play date. So, I guess I was wondering because of what we said earlier and because the timing is kind of ideal, if maybe you wanted to meet Eric and talk everything through.”

He drifts off towards the end, but Phil hears him. He takes a deep breath. Does he want to meet Eric? Is he ready to meet Eric? Does Eric want to meet him? What if Eric hates him?

“He won’t hate you, Phil,” Dan says. 

Oh. Phil didn’t realize that he was speaking his thoughts out loud. He coughs awkwardly, but Dan continues.

“He’s a good guy. Really. I just think that its best if he meets you before you start spending any time with Noah. I know that you’re a great person and, trust me, Eric will too. It’s just formality, you know? I’ve met friends of his before they’ve been able to meet Noah. We just want what’s best for him.”

“Of course. I totally get that. I’d love to meet Eric. I’m just a little nervous.”

Dan chuckles. “Well, don’t be. It’ll be fine, I promise. So, Wednesday at six thirty at my place? I’ll invite him over and we can all just talk?”

Phil nods, then realizes that Dan can’t see him. “Sure, definitely, I’ll be there.”

“Perfect. I’ll see you then. Don’t be nervous.”

He hangs up and places his phone down next to him on the couch. He leans back and exhales heavily. Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe how he feels about this whole situation. He’s not even sure if he’s ready to talk to, let alone meet Eric. But, then, he thinks about everything his mum said about happiness and, as far as he’s concerned, as soon as he meets Eric, he’s one step closer to ensuring that Dan finds the happiness he deserves.


	6. Chapter 6

Wednesday comes slower than Phil expected it to. 

He was sure that the day would approach far too quickly, and he would spend each moment nervous and jittery, but, surprisingly, the time seemed to crawl by and he finds himself longing for Wednesday. Maybe he’s actually excited to meet Eric’s approval and begin helping Dan. Or maybe he just can’t wait to see Dan again. It’s most likely a combination of both. Either way, on Wednesday morning, he can’t help fidgeting in his seat with anticipation.

“Gee, Lester, someone’s excited,” Safiya quips from across the office, “Big plans after work?”

“Well, actually, yes,” Phil answers, trying to act casual.

Safiya stops typing on her laptop and looks at him over her computer screen. A smirk begins to grace her face and Phil groans.

“What kind of plans?” she asks, hoping to pass it off as an innocent question.

“Just regular plans,” he answers, his eyes back on his work.

“Who with?” she rebuts.

Phil considers how to answer this question and decides to just go for honesty.

“Just a friend and his ex-husband.”

If he wasn’t so nervous about telling her the truth, he would have laughed out loud at the expression on Safiya’s face. He’s never seen someone’s jaw literally drop before.

“So you mean to tell me,” she begins once she composes herself, “that you’re just casually hanging out on a Wednesday night with a friend of yours I’ve never heard about before and his ex-husband for no real reason.”

“That’s correct,” he answers, eyes never leaving his laptop.

He hears Safiya stand up from her desk and approach his. Before he can even look up at her, she’s closing the lid of his laptop.

“Hey,” he shouts, finally looking up at her, “how do you know I wasn’t doing something really important?”

She scoffs at him. 

“Oh, please, we both know you haven’t done a single productive thing all day. And I know that these ‘casual’ plans of yours are the reason why. So stop bullshitting me and tell me what’s up.”

Her voice softens a little.

“I just want to make sure that, whatever you’re doing, you’ll be okay.”

Phil sighs. He knows that he should tell her. She’s never steered him wrong before, and, if he wants clear and helpful advice, she’s one of the best people to turn to.

“Okay,” he starts, “My Tyler introduced me to a friend of his, Dan, and we really hit it off. The other week we even almost kissed. But, then I found out that he has a son with his ex-husband who he’s still relatively close with and they have this rule between them that they don’t introduce new people to their son until they’ve both met them and approved.”

Safiya nods. “And you’re meeting his ex today for the first time and you’re nervous?”

“I guess,” Phil answers, “I think I’m more just waiting for the moment to come, so I can meet him, get his approval, and then be done with him altogether.”

Safiya looks pensive. “Phil, are you sure that’s the best way to approach meeting the ex-husband of the guy you seem to really care about? Like he’s just an obstacle in your way?”

Phil shakes his head. “I’m sure he’s a great guy and he just wants the best for his son. I have no issue whatsoever with him being deeply invested in his son’s life. In fact, I’m happy that he is. And I don’t plan on trying to replace him or something. I just don’t see a need for him to be so deeply invested in Dan’s personal life outside of their son.”

“Did you ever think that maybe he also wants the best for Dan, too?”

The conversation sort of ends there and Phil goes about the rest of his day sitting in silence, trying to work, but mulling over Safiya’s words. How could Dan’s ex-husband be deeply invested in Dan’s personal life or his happiness if he doesn’t even want to be with him anymore? 

 

At six twenty-seven, he approaches the door of Dan’s flat. He’s ready for this. He knows he is. He takes a small deep breath and knocks on the door. It takes a minute or so before he hears footsteps approaching the door and then it opens. At the door is a fairly tall man, just a bit shorter than Phil, with dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes. He’s dressed casually in sweatpants and a blue t-shirt, starkly contrasted by Phil’s dark skinny jeans and work shirt. His hair is messy, and he looks weary, not to mention confused to see Phil at the door.

“Can I help you, sir?” he asks, the confusion evident in his deep voice.

“Um, yes,” Phil answers, his nerves suddenly back, “I’m Phil. Phil Lester. Dan invited me over tonight.”

The man, who Phil presumes to be Eric, stares at Phil for a few seconds before realization seems to flash across his face.

“Oh! Phil. Yeah, Dan told me you were coming over. Hi, I’m Eric.”

He extends his hand out for a handshake and Phil can’t help feeling vindicated by the fact that his hands are bigger than Eric’s, albeit a lot sweatier.

“So, um,” Eric begins, “I know that Dan invited you over today to talk and stuff, but this really isn’t the best time. Maybe we can reschedule?”

The first thing Phil feels is disappointed, that he can’t see Dan, that they can’t all talk everything through. The next thing he feels, though, is angry. Angry that this man he doesn’t know who doesn’t know him thinks that he has any right to tell Phil what to do while sitting inside a flat that isn’t even his.

“Not to be rude or anything, but Dan is a grown-up with his own mind and voice, so if now really isn’t a good time, then I’d like to hear it from him,” Phil responds, a bite to his voice, that surprises even him.

Eric sighs and even Phil can tell that he looks absolutely exhausted.

“Look, Phil, I’m sorry, okay. We’ll reschedule this, I promise. But, Dan can’t talk right now.”

“And why not?” Phil asks, his voice sharp, “Is he even here or are you just freeloading in his house?”

Eric looks deeply conflicted and sighs again, pinching his temples. He looks from Phil to the inside of the flat and back to Phil, opening his mouth to speak.

“Alright, look, Phil. I want to like you, alright? Because Dan seems to really like you and I trust him. And I get that you probably just want the best for him, but, guess what, so do I. And I have for almost ten years now. I have been with Dan through thick and thin. I married him, have a son with him. He has been there for me through everything and still is and I will always do the same for him. I want him to have friends, to fall in love again, and I am so glad that you really seem to be trying to be a part of his life but being a part of Dan’s life means seeing me and coexisting with me. I am not going anywhere, no matter how much you probably want me to. And you do not get to just waltz into his life, into our life, and act as if you know him better than I do because, if you did, then you would know exactly why he can’t come talk to you right now and I’m not going to tell you why because I know him well enough to know that he would want to tell you himself. And, not to be rude, but don’t act like you have me all figured out, like I’m Dan’s evil ex you will vow to be better than, because you don’t know me. At all.”

He crosses his arms against his chest and takes a deep breath.

“I’ll tell Dan that you came by and I sent you away peacefully, okay? He’ll text you, we’ll all meet up again, you can pretend that you like me, and I’ll give you my permission to meet Noah. Because you do seem like a good guy that I am willing to trust, but I swear to God, Dan and Noah are the two most important people in my life and, if you ever hurt either of them, I will find you and I will make you pay.”

He uncrosses his arms and runs a hand through his hair, exhaling.

“See you around, Phil,” he says before lightly closing the door.

Phil stands in front of the closed door completely dumbfounded. Well, he thinks to himself, this may not be the first time I’ve seen it, but it’s definitely the first time I’ve felt a jaw drop completely.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan doesn’t get back to him until the next night. 

He apologizes profusely and says that he was called into work at the last minute and was so stressed trying to make sure that Eric could watch Noah and be there when his friend’s parents came to pick him up that he completely forgot to text Phil. Phil replies that he understands and that it’s okay and they reschedule their conversation for Saturday night while Eric’s sister babysits.

But, honestly, Phil’s not sure if everything is all right. If Dan’s lying to him, then he doesn’t understand why Dan is lying to him. Or why Eric couldn’t have just told him that Dan was at work. If he is telling the truth, then Phil feels bad. Dan is clearly constantly living in stress, balancing everything, and Phil worries that his presence in Dan’s life might only make things worse. Why should Dan have one other aspect of his life to worry about when he already has so many that take precedence? 

Phil also can’t help the thoughts creeping in the back of his mind that he’s not ready for all of this. He knows he’s not actually a parent but if Dan ever needs help or if they ask Phil to babysit, then he wonders if he could actually handle it. But that just makes him feel worse because Dan and Eric weren’t ready, either. They were just kids and still are so young, but they somehow make it all work. Phil’s sure that he could do that, too, but he’s afraid that he’ll just fuck everything up while trying.

 

Unlike with Wednesday, Phil is actually wishing that time would slow down before Saturday, so he can prepare himself. But, alas, Saturday rolls around, and Phil finds himself in front of the same door that Eric closed on him not even three days before. He knocks and takes a deep breath, the ringing in his ears overwhelming him. This time, it’s Dan who answers the door and Phil feels a lot of his nervous energy disappear when he sees Dan’s bright smile.

“Hey, Phil, how are you?” he asks, going in for a hug.

“I’m, I’m good, how are you?” Phil replies shakily, gingerly wrapping his arms around Dan’s back, far too aware of the feeling of Dan’s hands on him.

“I’m, alright, I suppose,” Dan answers, looking a bit forlorn, before smiling again, “Come on in, Eric’s on the couch. Do you want a drink?”

“No, I’m alright,” he says, making eye contact with Eric. 

He’s not sure what he should do, but Eric seems to know because he stands up and walks over to Phil, extending his hand.

“It’s nice to see you again, Phil. Properly this time.”

Phil nods. “Um, you too, Eric.”

They shake hands and Phil feels like he’s in a nature documentary, a clumsy gazelle being stared down by the hungry lion. Just as its starting to get awkward, Dan walks back in and sits down on the couch, telling the two of them to take a seat. Phil immediately sits on a small chair across from the couch and Eric sits next to Dan. Phil notes the distance between the two of them, not too much but more than him and Dan that day on his couch. Dan and Eric exchange a look and Phil is starting to panic, worried that he’s about to be grilled or something. Dan seems to notice this because he leans forward and looks at Phil.

“Hey, Phil, its okay, really,” he says gently, “This isn’t, like, a job interview or something. I just wanted Eric to meet you, you know, get to know you a bit before you start spending time with Noah. I already told him the boring stuff, like how old you are, how we met, and where you work and live and stuff. And, trust me, he already likes you. Go on, Eric.”

He lightly elbows Eric in the side, motioning towards Phil. Eric nods and looks at Phil.

“I do like you, mate,” Eric says, “You seem like a great guy. It might take me some time to fully trust you with my kid and Dan, but I’m willing to start.”

Dan smiles. “Awesome. See, Phil, I told you Eric would like you. And, see Eric, I told you Phil is a good guy.”

Eric nods. “Sure, sure, so, uh, does that mean that you’ll tell him why we really had to reschedule this little talk?”

The words were said with no bite or harsh voice, but Dan recoils as if he’s been slapped.

“Excuse me?” he asks, voice small and confused.

“Yeah,” Eric responds, almost mockingly, “You want me to trust Phil so badly. Why don’t you follow your own advice and trust him by telling him? I thought we want Phil to be a part of our lives. Isn’t part of that being honest with him? You know, so that I don’t have to be accused of lying and mooching off of you by someone I barely know.”

“What are you talking about?” Dan asks, confusion evident in his voice.

“Oh, Phil didn’t tell you about our little talk on Wednesday?” Eric begins, “Well, he gets here, and I tell him we have to reschedule, and he refuses to believe me and accuses me of staying here without your permission.”

“To be fair,” Phil cuts in, “I had no reason to believe you. How do I know that you didn’t just want me to leave because you don’t even want to give me a chance?”

“I don’t owe you a chance, Phil. I don’t owe you anything. We both know why you’re trying so hard to impress me. The only thing you want is to get into Dan’s pants, so sorry if I won’t be complicit in letting you hurt him and my son.”

“If you think those are my intentions, which they’re not,” Phil says, fury in his voice, “then why did you agree to let me meet your son? You accuse me of pretending that I know you when I don’t; well, you don’t know me either and I’d appreciate it if you stopped pretending that you did.”

“I have every right to assume. My son and his happiness are at stake. The only reason I agreed to meet you is because Dan trusts you and I knew that he wouldn’t let it rest until I met you. But, I know you, Phil. I know guys like you. I tried telling Dan, but he wouldn’t listen, so maybe this is the type of lesson he needs to learn for himself but forgive me if I don’t want my son hurt in the process.”

“You keep saying that, but I can’t help but think that maybe there’s more to it than that. You keep telling Dan that I’m just some awful guy who’s going to inevitably leave him and break Noah’s heart. Maybe you don’t want me to be in the picture because you know that Dan likes me, and I like him and you’re afraid that we’ll be together, and he’ll never go back to you.”

At this point, both of them are standing and practically shouting at each other. Before Eric can respond to Phil, Dan stands up and moves between them.

“Stop it,” he yells, shocking both men, “Just stop it, okay. Stop assuming shit about each other. And stop talking about me like I’m not even here.”

He turns to Phil.

“Phil, I get that you think Eric just blindly hates you, but, trust me, it is more than that. He doesn’t want to hate you. But, you are right. I do like you and you like me. I want to be with you. We’ve never dealt with this before yet, with Noah. Meeting a friend is one thing, but meeting a possible partner is another. We’re just trying to figure all of this shit out. I know you feel judged and this is hard for you, but, trust me, it is even harder for us. Eric just wants the best for me and for Noah. He just has a bad way of showing it.”

“And, you,” he says, turning to Eric, “You have every right to be weary of Phil. I was, too, at first, but you’re not even giving him a chance. I understand you watching out for me and I’m grateful for it, but you have to stop treating me like I’m this porcelain doll who can’t take care of himself. I am fully capable of handling myself. If Phil or anyone either of us date turns out to be a jerk or is not interested in our hectic lives, then it’s a lesson learned, and we destroy them if they upset Noah. But, I want to stop being afraid to live, don’t you? I want to trust people and let them in because I’m not ashamed. Of you, of Noah, of myself. But, it is up to me if or when I tell people things about myself, and you have no right to try to force me to tell Phil anything about myself I’m not ready for as some kind of test. I know you’re better than that, Eric.”

“I am,” Eric pleads, “I am, Dan, you know that. And I am so sorry for even saying something like that. I’m just scared, okay? Everything’s been really hard for us for so long and it finally seems like we’re in a relatively good place and I don’t want to risk all that on some guy or anyone, honestly. For so long, it’s been you, me, and Noah against the world and I can’t imagine letting anyone else in.”

“You and Noah mean the world to me and always will,” Dan says, taking Eric’s hand, “And you’re right. We have been through a lot and it’s been really fucking hard sometimes, but things are better now. And I’m ready to start the second chapter of my life. It’s okay if you’re not there yet, but I am. I’m doing this for me and I want your support.”

“But, what if starting chapter two means forgetting chapter one?” Eric asks, looking at the floor.

“Chapter two takes everything about chapter one, the good and the bad, and builds on it. I want to take you and Noah and everything we’ve been through into my next chapter and make new memories, good and bad and everything in between. But, I also want to add some new characters to the story, to our story. It’ll be good for us, all of us. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to turn the page?”

Tears had steadily been forming in Eric’s eyes throughout this entire conversation, but, with Dan’s final question, the dam breaks and he lets out a small sob. Instantly, Dan pulls him close and holds him, letting Eric sob into his shoulder. It feels important, something Phil shouldn’t even be watching. He makes eye contact with Dan who smiles at him. That feels important, too. Dan mouths, I’ll text you, and Phil nods and smiles back, quietly making his way to the door. He closes it gingerly behind him and leans back against the nearest wall. 

That was a lot, for all of them, and he’s not entirely sure what happens next, but there’s one thing that he is sure of.

He can’t wait to see what happens in chapter two.


	8. Chapter 8

A week after the conversation between him and Dan and Eric, Phil’s still not sure exactly where he stands with either of them. He’s spoken to Dan since then, of course, and everything seems to be okay, between them and in general. After Phil left Dan’s flat that night, Dan and Eric talked a bit more about their future as two recently divorced people living their own lives while still supporting each other and their son. Phil really respects how mature they both are and how willing they are to remain positive outlets in each other’s lives. 

He just wishes that Eric didn’t want to have such a big role in Dan’s life. 

Speaking of Eric, he hasn’t attempted to reach out to Phil in any way, though Phil hasn’t either. He’s not sure what to say or if they’ll ever be anything more than two people who tolerate each other because of the people who connect them. Phil would never lash out or be intentionally rude to Eric if it meant hurting Dan or Noah and he knows Eric wouldn’t either, but he doesn’t believe that Eric will ever like him. And maybe, he’ll never view Eric as a friend.

Though Eric prefers to ignore his existence, Dan is actually speaking to him more than ever. They text every day and talk on the phone for hours at night after Noah is put to bed. They’ve both been extremely busy, though, and haven’t had a chance to hang out in person, but Phil misses him. A lot. And it’s confusing for him, a new feeling. Of course he’s missed people before, but he’s never experienced the physical ache in his chest he now feels when he receives a silly text from Dan at 3 am. He knows he’s in deep now, and, honestly, he’s ready for whatever a future with Dan entails.

**

Dan texts him early the next morning, earlier than he wakes up ever, even for work. When he does finally wake up, an hour and a half later, he unlocks his phone and reads the message.

Dan: Do you want to meet Noah on Sunday?

Dan: Sorry, that was impulsive but, if I don’t ask now, I never will.

Dan: Also, good morning! :)

Dan: Wow, its way earlier than I thought it was. Hope I didn’t wake you

Phil: It’s okay, you didn’t wake me. And, yes, I’d love to meet Noah on Sunday.

Dan: Are you sure? I know it hasn’t been that long since we talked. You don’t have to if you’re not ready.

Phil: No, I’m definitely ready. We can all spend the day together and maybe get ice cream or something! It’ll be fun!

Dan: Ah, I see what this is. You’re just using my son to get your hands on sugar, you fiend.

Phil: Oh, absolutely. ;)

Phil: How about I come to your flat around noon?

Dan: Sure. Can’t wait!

Can’t wait. Phil wonders exactly what he means by that. Can he not wait to see Phil again? Can he not wait for Phil and Noah to meet? Can he not wait for the initial awkward meeting to be over so that they can all move on from there and build a strong relationship? Maybe it’s all three. All Phil knows is that he really wants Noah to like him and for this day out to be a success.

**

For the third time in almost a month, Phil finds himself at Dan’s front door. This time, though, he has high hopes. Everything is good between him and Dan. Everything is cordial between him and Eric. He’s looking forward to spending a nice day out with Dan and Noah for the first time. He’s nervous, sure, but maybe a little bit of nerves is a good thing. It just shows him how much his subconscious wants all of this to work out. Best of all, this day out is just for him and Dan and Noah. No Eric in sight.

He knocks on the door and waits patiently. At first, he wonders if anyone is even home, but then hears the familiar sound of footsteps across the floor. They sound different, though. They sound more soft and careful and he has to strain just to hear them. The door opens, and Phil looks down to see Noah standing there. He smiles.

“Hi, Noah. Do you remember me? I’m your dad’s friend, Phil.”

Noah nods. “I do. Hi, Phil. My daddy, um, he’s busy right now.”

Phil cocks his head in confusion.

“Oh,” he says, “What’s he up to?”

Noah looks around the flat and then back up to Phil.

“Um, I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just know that we can’t hang out today.”

He looks down at his feet and his voice sounds hollow. Phil quickly masks his own disappointment and crouches down to be at eye level with Noah.

“Hey, that’s okay. If he’s busy, he’s busy. We can always reschedule.”

He looks around the flat and notices how quiet it is. It seems empty.

“Um, Noah,” he begins, “Are you here alone?”

Noah shakes his head and starts to answer, but then another deeper voice speaks up from inside the flat.

“Noah, what are you doing at the door?”

“Nothing, Papa,” Noah responds, “Daddy told me Phil was coming over yesterday, but since daddy’s, um, busy, he must have forgot to tell Phil not to come. I didn’t want Phil to be sad, too, so I answered the door. I knew it was him, Papa. I looked through the mail slot first.”

It’s Eric. Of course it is, Phil thinks bitterly. He looks the same way he did the first time Phil met him: tired and stressed, wearing old worn out clothes. Eric walks over to where Noah is and messes up his hair.

“I’m sure you did, bud, and that’s good. Just tell me that you’re going to answer the door next time, okay?”

Noah nods as he playfully bats Eric’s hand away.

“Alright,” Eric continues, “Why don’t you go wait in your room and play, while I talk to Phil, and then we’ll head over to my place, okay?”

“Yes, Papa,” Noah answers. He goes to turn towards his room but stops and looks at Phil.

“Bye, Phil, it was nice seeing you,” he says with a small smile on his face.

“You, too, Noah,” Phil responds with a matching smile.

As soon as the door to Noah’s room closes lightly, Phil stands and looks at Eric.

“What is going on here?” he asks.

“Phil…” Eric sighs, running a hand through his hair.

“No,” Phil interrupts, “Stop acting like I’m a hinderance to you. I deserve answers. Dan told me several days ago to come over, and, when I get here, I find you taking Noah to your place when you most likely knew that I was supposed to come over today. And where even is Dan and what did Noah mean by ‘busy?’”

“I get it, okay, Phil?” Eric says, sitting down on the couch, “You do deserve answers. But you want answers that I can’t give you. Not without Dan’s permission.”

Phil nods and sits down on the other side of the couch, thinking. 

“Is this about what you said the other day? About how he should be honest with me about something?”

Eric nods, wringing his hands together. “It is. But, I was so fucking stupid to even say that. I had no right. He’ll tell you when or if he’s ready. And he can still be honest with you and trust you even if he never tells you.”

Phil starts to speak, stops, and then starts again. 

“Is he, you know, okay?”

Eric is silent, then licks his lips, and speaks. 

“He is. Most of the time. Then, sometimes, he’s just… not. He becomes like a shell of himself, a shadow. And it’s scary, for me, for Noah, for him. It’s been a process of learning how to navigate when he gets like this, but he and I had a lot of time to figure it out, I guess.”

Phil nods, trying to understand. He wants to understand, needs to understand.

“How long has this been happening to him?”

Eric sighs. “As long as I’ve known him, at least. But, for the first few years, he’d just act really distant sometimes and blame it on stress or something. I’d catch him zoning out and not answering my texts, but, then, a few days later, he’d seem okay again, and I’d let it go because he asked me to. But, then, when he was pregnant, and it was still happening, I started to get worried. Ignoring me is one thing, but I was afraid he would start ignoring his own health and, and, the baby’s health, so I begged him to get help.”

“Did he?” Phil asks.

“Yeah,” Eric continues, “He started seeing a therapist because that was really all they could do while he was pregnant. It was going well, so I thought, maybe, that was all he needed. And once the baby was born, we’d be even happier, and he wouldn’t need the therapy anymore, but he was going through a lot of stuff. Stuff that had to do with being a pregnant 17-year-old and then stuff that was more internal. His family was pretty religious, even though he really wasn’t, so an abortion was never something he was really allowed to consider, even though I would have supported him. We considered putting Noah up for adoption before he was actually born, but we kind of fell in love with him after the first ultrasound. But, my parents were, well, they were pissed. They have a lot of prestige and, well, money, and they were afraid of what would happen to their image if people found out their 17-year-old gay son knocked up his boyfriend. So, after we finished secondary school and Dan had Noah, they bought us a flat in Kensington, near their summer home, and told us to live there. We tried to please them, Dan tried so hard to get their approval, but nothing we ever did was enough.”

“I’m so sorry,” Phil says, his voice barely higher than a whisper.

Eric continues as if he didn’t hear him and, maybe, he didn’t.

“You know my parents wouldn’t let Dan go to Uni?” he says, poison in his voice, “They said that Noah would never stand a chance if he didn’t have parental guidance at home in his developing years. But, of course, they were willing to pay in full for me to go to Uni to become an accountant. You know Dan wanted to be a lawyer at first? He told my parents that once while he was pregnant, and they practically laughed at him. My mum even had the nerve to say that if he wanted to be a lawyer, then he shouldn’t have gotten knocked up at 17. God, so badly, so many times, I just wanted to grab Dan and, later, Noah, and leave that toxic environment forever, but Dan always told me not to.”

“Why?” Phil asked, his tone portraying a mix of his hatred for Eric’s parents and genuine curiosity.

“Because Dan was afraid they would disown me. His family didn’t have a lot of money and the only money we made came from some odd jobs in secondary school. We needed money to support Noah and Dan was willing to put up with my parent’s bullshit to make sure that he was taken care of. But, what Dan never understood was how much I hated and still hate that my parents tried to rob him of a future. They wouldn’t let him go to Uni. They didn’t want him to work. They made us get married at 19, so people wouldn’t talk. It’s so fucking disgusting and I hate myself for never just telling them to fuck off.”

“They made you get married? Like, you didn’t want to?”

“I mean, we did, in the sense that we were two people in love who had a kid together. We felt like we just skipped a step, you know? Had a kid before marriage. So, it only made sense to just go back and get married. But, we weren’t ready, in any sense. We were too young and constantly torn between being stressed and too busy to spend time together. Dan also went through some awful postpartum and we both couldn’t handle being micromanaged by my parents all the time. And I guess we sort of just slowly fell out of love. We tried couples therapy and stuff because we didn’t want to split up, but, in the end, we didn’t want to start hating each other, for our sake and Noah’s. So, about a year ago, we filed for divorce and it’s been official for about six months.”

“How did your parents react?” Phil asks.

Eric laughs a small and harsh laugh.

“Oh, they were so pissed, but, at that point, I had a good job, so we didn’t need them financially and there was nothing they could really do to stop us. They’re still not happy, but I got tired of living my life, and making Dan live his life, for them instead of ourselves. I was telling the truth, you know? About wanting the best for Dan. I want him to be happy and find friends and fulfillment and love. He’s been through so much and he deserves it. And when I see him like this, it reminds me that he’s still constantly going through so much. And it sucks because I can’t just fix it, you know? I can’t love away his pain and I never could, and it always made me feel so useless. Like, I couldn’t even make my boyfriend, and then my husband, happy. We’ve talked about it a lot, together and with a therapist, and I know that there’s nothing I can do except love and support him through it, but it doesn’t help how helpless I feel at times like this.”

“You’re doing everything you can,” Phil says, placing a hand on Eric’s arm, “For Dan and for Noah. And that’s what counts. There are going to be lots of things you can’t fix, but you will be able to help them pick up the pieces. And they’ll do the same for you.”

Eric nods. “I know. It just hurts. It hurts to see someone you care about in pain and know you can’t fucking do anything to fix it. He’s in his room right now feeling so many awful things I’ll never understand, and I can only sit here and watch him suffer. I can’t fucking stand it, Phil. I love him so much.”

Eric practically throws himself towards Phil and Phil grabs him, letting him bury his head into Phil’s chest. He wraps his arms around him and lets him sob. He feels Eric grip fistfuls of his shirt and practically heave with how hard he’s crying. And realization hits Phil like a truck.

Eric loves Dan. And not in the way he’s been fearing. In the way that Dan truly deserves to be loved by someone who had as much of an impact on his life as Eric did. And that’s another thing. Phil understands now that Eric will always have a place in Dan’s life. He is someone that Dan has loved, enough that he married him, still loves in every other capacity, and is someone that Dan shares a child with. They have history, ten years worth of it, and they know each other in ways that Phil can’t possibly understand, yet. The two of them share a beautiful and healthy kind of love that Phil shouldn’t be envious of because he has love in his life, too. He loves his friends and his family, each in a unique and beautiful way. And he’s certain that, someday, if that’s what Dan wants, he and Dan will share a beautiful and unique kind of love of their own. Not one to be compared to that of Dan and Eric but one that will coexist with it. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, tears welling up in his own eyes, “I’m sorry that I’ve been so hostile towards you. I was jealous and insecure and thought that you weren’t worthy of Dan and his love. But, I was wrong. I let my jealousy blind me. You’re a great guy and I can see why Dan loves you so much. You deserve just as much happiness as him and I want to be a positive part of your life, if you’ll let me.”

Eric nods against his chest.

“Of course, Phil,” he says, voice still choked up with emotion, “I want that, too, and I want to be that for you. I see how much you care about Dan and how kind you are to my son and you deserve the opportunity to be a part of their lives. I’m sorry for judging you without any proof. I should know how much that can hurt.”

“You had your reasons and I respect them. Do you think we can just, I don’t know, start over?”

Eric nods again.

“Yeah, I would like that.”

He slowly detaches himself from Phil’s embrace, wipes his eyes, and holds out one of his hands.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Eric, Dan’s best friend, and Noah’s other father.”

Phil smiles and grasps Eric’s hand in his own, shaking it firmly.

“Nice to meet you, too. I’m Phil, a new friend of Dan’s, who is really looking forward to getting to know all of you.”

They release each other’s hands and Eric smiles back. Eric goes to speak again, but they are both interrupted by a third voice coming from across the room.

“Phil? Eric?” the voice asks weakly with no visible hint of emotion.

They both turn. It’s Dan.


	9. Chapter 9

Eric is the first one to speak.

“Hey Dan,” he says calmly, “You okay?”

Dan shrugs. “I just, uh, heard talking and wanted to see what was going on.”

“Oh, okay, well, it’s nothing. Phil and I were just talking. Um, I think I’m going to go grab Noah and we’ll get out of your hair, alright?”

Dan nods as Eric walks towards Noah’s room. Dan and Phil remain in silence for a few moments, Phil awkwardly sitting on the couch staring at Dan and Dan leaning against the wall outside his bedroom staring at the floor. Phil can’t help but notice how worn out he looks. His hair is disheveled, the area under his eyes is a dark blue, and he looks pale, the sweatpants and sweatshirt he’s wearing practically swallowing him whole.

“Um,” Phil begins, “Did you want me to leave? It’s fine if you do. I can text you later. I, just…”

He trails off, but Dan shakes his head. 

“No, its okay, you can stay. We should probably talk anyway, after they leave.”

At that moment, Eric and Noah walk into the room, Eric holding a duffel bag, probably containing some of Noah’s things. Eric walks up to where Dan is standing and whispers something to him. Dan nods and Eric pats him on the arm lightly and walks towards the door. He makes eye contact with Phil and Phil nods. Phil’s not really sure what exactly he’s promising, but he knows that he’ll make sure that Dan is safe. Noah walks up to Dan cautiously.

“Bye, Daddy,” he says, voice gentle, “I love you.”

Dan takes a small breath and bends down to be at eye level with Noah.

“I love you, too,” he says, wrapping the boy in a tight hug, “Be good for Papa, okay?”

Noah nods and walks towards Eric, holding onto his hand. They both exit the flat, and, once the door closes, Dan begins walking towards the couch where Phil is. He walks slow, like a baby deer taking it’s first steps, but eventually sits down next to Phil. He’s silent for a few minutes, staring down at his lap, and Phil is almost afraid to even breathe too loud.

“I have depression,” he says suddenly, the whispered words feeling like an explosion in the otherwise quiet flat.

“Oh,” Phil manages to say.

He’s not sure what else to say and certainly doesn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“Yeah,” Dan continues, breaking the silence, “I’ve had it for as long as I can remember, but it got really bad when I was, like, sixteen or so. There were days I just didn’t want to get out of bed and there were days I didn’t. Sometimes, it took everything in me just to stay focused. I didn’t know what to do or what was wrong, but I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid they would think I was weird. When I got pregnant, it was the worst it had and still has ever been. And that made me feel like absolute shit. I was having a baby, you know? With someone I was so in love with. I thought that, if anything, that would, I guess, fix me, but it didn’t. I started therapy and it helped, but I still constantly felt like I was trapped inside a sound proof room and the whole world was in black and white. Then, the postpartum hit and it was my normal depression mixed with that mixed with taking care of a newborn who couldn’t understand how hard I was trying just to sit up most days. Once Noah got a little older, I went back to seeing my therapist and got some antidepressants. Since then, I’ve been pretty okay for the most part, but then, sometimes, I wake up and I just know that the entire day is going to be a write off, sometimes more than one day. I don’t want to go to work or eat or even shower. It’s like every emotion I have is just gone and I’m experiencing the world from the bottom of a deep hole I can’t seem to find my way out of.”

“That sounds really hard,” Phil says because he’s not sure what else to say but wants to say something.

“It is. And it also really sucks because I know Eric told you that I didn’t really do much besides take care of Noah until the divorce and that gave me a lot of time to just think, you know? I thought about and still do think about how much of my life was taken from me, by the depression, by Eric’s parents, by society’s judgment making me hate myself even more. And it fucking sucks that I feel like I lost so much time and happiness because I did lose a lot and miss a lot. You know I missed Noah’s first steps because I was having an episode?”

Phil just nods, wanting to give Dan an opportunity to vent.

“I was in bed for the third day in a row. Eric had gotten me to shower that morning, but I couldn’t really do much else. He took the day off from work, something he couldn’t afford to do but had to because I was virtually useless. I heard him say, ‘Oh my god, Noah, you’re walking, you’re walking.’ He wasn’t shouting it or anything because he always tried to be quiet when I was down, but I still heard him. He recorded it, so that I could watch it later. I told him that I was asleep and never even heard him say anything, but I did. I was laying right there in bed, not even five hundred feet away from where my baby was walking for the first time and I couldn’t even manage to get up and watch him. And I didn’t even cry about it because I just didn’t feel anything. That’s the worst part. The lack of feeling. I feel nothing, not even sadness. What kind of parent doesn’t feel sad that they missed their child’s first steps?”

“You’re feeling something now,” Phil says, tone a bit hopeful.

Dan nods. “I know. I’m coming down from an episode now. I’m not as down as I was yesterday and not as unfeeling as I was two days ago, but I’m still in no shape to watch Noah. I thought I would be okay yesterday, for today, for our day out, so I called Eric and had him bring Noah over, but I woke up this morning and I just knew. So I called him again and I didn’t even need to say anything. He just knew. And I hate that I get so useless when I’m like this, that I can’t even watch my own son. My therapist and Eric say that it doesn’t help to think like that and I know, but I still do. It’s part of why I was so afraid to get a divorce. Without Eric around all the time, I was afraid that Noah would just slip through the cracks when he was with me and grow to hate me.”

Phil shakes his head. “He doesn’t hate you. Dan, he loves you so much.”

Dan nods with a small smile. “I know, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking it when I’m at my worst unfortunately.”

Dan yawns and Phil remembers how exhausted, physically and emotionally, he must be right now.

“How about I head home?” he asks, “I’m really proud of you for telling me all of this and I appreciate that you trust me this much, but you also need your rest. We have all the time in the world to talk.”

Dan nods. “You’re probably right. I have to go to work tomorrow and I don’t think my boss will be pleased if I fall asleep on the job.”

He pauses before reaching forward and wrapping his arms around Phil in a proper hug.

“Thank you,” he says, his voice a bit wet.

“For what?” Phil asks, holding on tight.

“For listening to me? For not judging? For just being here? Everything.”

“Well, then, thank you, too. For everything.”

They hug for a short time longer before Dan eventually pulls away. Phil helps him stand up and walks him towards his bedroom.

“Do you need anything else?”

Dan shakes his head.

“No, I should be okay once I wake up.”

“But, if you do need anything, you’ll call me, right? Any day, any time. I’m here for you. All of you.”

Dan nods. “Ditto. I’ll see you, Phil.”

“Bye Dan.”

He makes his way out of the flat and pauses once he closes the door. He’s lost count of how many times he’s stood outside of this door, feeling more of a variety of emotions than he has in a long time. And maybe that’s a good thing. Dan and Eric and Noah, they’re bringing out a different side of him, a side of himself he hasn’t embraced in a long time. The Phil who cries at sad movies and doesn’t care who knows, the Phil who sits with his mum and tells her everything, the Phil who’s open and honest with people he trusts. It’s been a long time since he’s seen that Phil, and, honestly, he’s missed that Phil. It’s harder to close himself off and pretend that he’s not lonely than it is to just tell someone.

He walks back into his own flat around three in the afternoon, makes himself a cup of tea, and sits on the couch. He watches "The Notebook" and cries through over half of it. It feels invigorating, to be more in touch with his emotions than he’s been in quite a while. After the movie, he grabs his phone, scrolls through his contacts, and selects the one he’s looking for. It rings twice before the person on the other line answers, voice bright and cheery. Phil sighs happily.

“Hi, mum.”


	10. Chapter 10

The next few days are the best Phil has experienced in quite some time. 

He talked through a lot of stuff with his mum; he cried, she cried. She put his dad on the phone and he cried, too. Overall, it was exactly the kind of self-reflection and honesty session he needed. He’s still talking to Dan, of course, and opening up to him in ways he never really has before to someone outside of his family. He spoke to Tyler, and, with Dan’s permission, told him everything about Eric and Noah. He even told Tyler about his own doubts and insecurities and loneliness. Tyler had always been the kind of friend Phil felt comfortable with but never actually let in emotionally. But Tyler has always been there for him and been honest with him about everything and Phil is finally at a place within himself that he feels comfortable doing the same. One two-hour conversation later and Phil is incredibly glad he opened up and incredibly thankful that he has a friend as wonderful as Tyler. 

There’s just one more person that Phil knows deserves more from him.

**

He walks into work on Friday morning a few minutes later than usual and takes the stairs instead of the lift so that the bouquet of daisies behind his back remains hidden from sight. He opens the door to his office and peaks around, spotting Safiya at her desk. He coughs awkwardly, and she looks up at him and smiles. He pulls the bouquet out from behind his back and holds it up, not entirely sure what to say.

Safiya smiles even bigger. 

“Aww, Phil, how pretty. But, you know I have a boyfriend, right?”

She winks, clearly joking, and Phil finally relaxes and smiles back.

“Actually,” he says, “These are to apologize. I was kind of cold to you the other week. You were just trying to help me with all of the ex-husband stuff and I was ignoring everything you were saying. And for that and taking advantage of your kindness, I’m sorry. And, you were totally right by the way.”

Safiya walks up to him and takes the flowers from him, smelling them.

“I always am,” she quips, “But seriously Phil, this was really sweet of you. Of course I accept your apology. I just hope that everything worked out with you and Dan.”

“It did, so far at least. I’ve met his son once and it went well, me and his ex have made full amends, and he and I are closer than ever.”

“That’s amazing, Phil. I’m so happy for you. And that actually reminds me: are you guys doing anything tomorrow night?”

“I don’t know,” Phil answers, “Why?”

“Well, my Tyler and I made plans to hang out at that club by the Underground stop on Chauncey with some friends, but they all bailed at the last second. We still want to go out, though, and I thought you would feel like a third wheel with just the two of us, but, maybe, now you could bring Dan. If you want.”

He does want. He does want to invite Dan to come along and have a good time. Normally, he would freeze up and politely decline the offer, but he’s tired of hiding from what he wants. 

Safiya notices his silence and speaks up.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” she says, “I know that I’ve been pressuring you for months to come hang out with me and my friends, trying to hook you up with people. It wasn’t right for me to do that.”

“You had good intentions,” Phil responds.

“Yeah, but that’s not the point. I guess I just figured that since I’m so happy in a relationship, everyone else should be in one, too. But, you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy, and, if or when you get in one, should be up to you and I shouldn’t have pushed you. Forgive me?”

She holds the bouquet out towards Phil, who smiles and takes them in his hand.

“Of course. And, I do want to go out tomorrow night, by the way. I think I’m finally ready to just let loose and have fun. I’ll invite Dan and see if he’s not busy.”

“Perfect. I’ll text you the details.”

She walks over to her desk, grabs an empty decorative vase, fills it up with water from her bottle, and places it down on the cabinet in the corner of the room. She takes the flowers from Phil’s hand and places them in the vase and smiles.

“There,” she says, “Now these flowers are a shared symbol of our friendship. Good luck getting rid me of now, Lester.”

She sticks her tongue out at Phil who smirks back and pulls her in for a quick hug.

**

Phil texts Dan during his lunch break, asking if Dan is available to hang out the next night. Dan responds about ten minutes later.

Dan: I have Noah until five, then Eric is taking him to a birthday party at a friend’s house, so, yeah, I can definitely hang out!

Phil: You have Noah all day tomorrow?

Dan: Yep

Phil: Did you and Noah maybe want to spend the day together tomorrow then? Like, go to the park or something? And then, you and I can head out later.

Dan: That sounds wonderful. How about you come to mine around 11?

Phil: I’ll be there

He adds a dancing lady emoji and puts his phone down. He smiles, so big it starts to hurt. He’s finally getting his day out with Dan and Noah!

**

The next morning, he’s up bright and early. To be honest, he barely slept. He gets himself out the door with plenty of time to spare and even has time to grab some breakfast for everyone: two coffees, a bagel with cream cheese for Dan and two muffins, one for him and one for Noah. 

He finds himself once again at the familiar front door and knocks. He immediately hears footsteps approach and the door opens to reveal Dan.

“Phil! Hi!” Dan exclaims, pulling him in for a hug.

“Hi Dan,” Phil says, hugging back.

They pull apart, Dan’s hands still on Phil’s biceps and Phil’s on Dan’s waist, the bag with the breakfast forgotten on the floor. They pause and stare at each other. Phil swears that he can see his own reflection in Dan’s eyes, swears that he sees Dan look at his lips, thinks about how easy it would be to lean in and just kiss him. 

“Daddy!”

They both jump away from each other immediately. Dan laughs nervously, his cheeks red.

“Um, uh, yes, Noah?” he calls.

“Is Phil here?”

Dan smiles and looks at Phil. “He is.”

The sound of little feet running fills the flat as Noah enters the room. His big smile gets a bit shyer as he approaches Dan and Phil. He grabs onto one of Dan’s legs and looks up at Phil.

“Hi Noah,” Phil says.

“Hi,” Noah replies, looking down at his feet.

“Um, if you’re hungry and your daddy says its okay, I brought you a muffin.”

At that, Noah’s head snaps up and his eyes light up.

“Really?” he asks.

Phil nods. “Yup,” he replies, picking the bag up off the floor and holding it out for Noah to take. 

Noah looks up at Dan who nods. Excited, Noah takes the bag from Phil.

“Thank you, Phil!” he yells, running towards the kitchen.

Dan elbows Phil lightly.

“I see how it is, Lester. You’re trying to win my kid over with sugar, ehh?”

Phil smirks at him.

“I guess you don’t want the bagel and coffee I brought you then, ehh?”

Dan’s eyes widen in a way that’s so similar to Noah’s it makes Phil’s heart clench.

“Ugh, yes, coffee! You, Phil Lester, are a life saver. Come on, let’s go help him in there before he makes a mess.”

Dan walks into the kitchen and helps Noah unload the bag of food. He removes the coffee cups from the bag and begins pouring Noah a cup of orange juice as Noah places three paper plates onto the table. Phil watches the sight with fondness in his heart and a lump in his throat. Dan turns, notices him still standing there, and calls to him.

“You coming?”

Phil smiles. “Absolutely.”


	11. Chapter 11

After breakfast, the three of them head out to a nearby park. It’s not often that Phil has the opportunity to walk through an area without worrying about people rushing past him or being hit by a speeding vehicle. Dan says that he has the best of both worlds living right outside of London because he has the ease of being close enough to London but doesn’t have to deal with living in a busy city. 

“The sound of cars honking and sirens going off would annoy the fuck out of me,” he once said.

Bur right now, Phil is leisurely walking amongst the trees with Dan and Noah and he’s never felt more content.

“This reminds me of when we used to visit my grandparents at the Isle of Man,” he says.

“Really? How so?” Dan asks.

“Well, it was always just so peaceful and quiet around there. At least, it was until my brother and I would start screaming and wrestling.”

“You have a brother?” Noah asks, his voice high with excitement.

Phil nods. “I do. His name is Martyn. He’s my big brother.”

“I wanna be a big brother!” Noah states, grabbing onto Dan’s arm and shaking it, “Daddy, can I be a big brother?”

Phil gapes and tries to think of how to change the subject, but Dan simply laughs.

“Someday, bud.”

That seems to be enough for Noah who squeals once he realizes they’ve arrived at the park. He looks at Dan who nods and then promptly takes off towards the playground.

“Stay where I can see you,” Dan calls out.

Noah calls back in agreement and Dan takes a seat on a nearby bench, patting the spot next to him for Phil. Phil sits down and leans back against the bench.

“So, we just sit here and watch him?” he asks.

“For now,” Dan replies, “He’s three. He has a lot of built up energy. I usually let him run around and burn it off. Then, when he’s a little calmer, he’ll call for me to join him and I will. It’s a pretty good system we’ve created.”

Phil nods in understanding. “You want more kids?” he blurts out suddenly, unable to stop thinking about it.

Way to go, Phil, he thinks to himself. Thankfully, Dan just chuckles.

“I suppose I do,” he answers, “I’d always wanted kids. I just assumed I’d be a little bit older before I had any, but life doesn’t always work out that way. I love Noah, he’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Sometimes I look at him and I think, ‘I made that,’ you know? It makes the hard times more bearable. And, with the right person, yeah, I’d love to have another.”

His gaze lingers on Phil towards the end and Phil stares back. Phil’s tempted to just lean in and kiss him, but Noah’s voice interrupts them.

“Daddy! Phil! Come play with me.”

Dan giggles and stands up, looking down at Phil.

“Duty calls,” he declares, motioning Phil towards the playground.

Part of Phil is a little upset at once again being interrupted during a moment with Dan, but the majority of him is over-the-moon excited that Noah actually wants him to join them. He follows Dan towards the slide where Noah is waiting, practically bouncing with joy.

“Daddy, go down the slide,” he says.

Dan scoffs at the request. 

“Noah, we all know that I am too tall to fit in the slide.”

Phil giggles. “Oh, come on, Dan,” he teases.

“Yeah, daddy,” Noah adds.

Dan chuckles. “Oh, I see how it is. You’re both teaming up against me now, aren’t you? Alright, alright, I’ll go down the slide.”

Phil and Noah both cheer as Dan makes his way to the slide.

“Here we go,” Dan yells as he goes down the slide. 

It’s barely one second that he actually goes down before his feet are at the bottom and he has to scooch himself forward to get off. He struggles to stand but has the biggest smile on his face as Noah jumps up and down laughing. Phil laughs, too, but stops as soon as he sees the smug look on Dan’s face.

“Phil, would you like to go down the slide, too?”

Phil gapes and tries to come up with an excuse not to, but Noah is already laughing even harder.

“Come on, Phil! Please!”

Dan giggles. “Yeah, come on, Phil.”

Phil sighs exaggeratingly and laughs.

“Alright, here I go.”

He makes his way over to the slide and starts to go down, but his legs get stuck. He struggles and moves himself back and forth, but he’s still stuck.

“I think I’m stuck,” he declares.

Noah shrieks in delight.

“Well, whatever you do, don’t break the slide. I definitely can’t afford to pay for it,” Dan says, “Alright, come on, let me help you.”

Dan lightly grabs one of Phil’s legs and pulls it over the side of the slide. Phil then slowly scooches himself down the slide, getting up once he reaches the bottom.

“Well, that was fun,” he says, mock pouting.

Noah and Dan laugh at his expression and he finds himself laughing, too. They spend another hour or so after that playing in the park: Noah goes down the slide, they take turns pushing him in a swing, and he runs around while they chase after him.

“Woah,” Phil says, out of breath, “Is he always this energetic?”

“Always,” Dan answers, “He’s at that age, you know? But, don’t worry, you’ll get used to it eventually. For now, go sit down, you old man. I’ll let him have another ten minutes and then we’ll head out.”

Phil nods. As he walks back towards the bench, he smiles as it suddenly hits him that Dan said ‘eventually.’ That means he plans on Phil being in Noah’s life long enough to get used to his level of energy. He sighs in happiness, sitting down on the bench. He sits for about five minutes, watching Dan and Noah by the slide, before he tunes into the conversation of two women sitting on the bench next to his.

“You think he’s a brother maybe?” one asks.

“I don’t think so. He looks a little old to be his brother. Plus, I think I heard the little boy call him ‘daddy,’” the other responds, handing a cracker to her baby in a pram by her side.

“Oh, such a shame, isn’t it? He looks barely into his twenties. How can he handle taking care of a child when he’s practically still a child himself?”

The other woman nods. “That little boy doesn’t stand a chance.”

The women aren’t exactly being quiet, and Dan and Noah aren’t too far from where Phil and the women are sitting. At first, Phil isn’t sure if Dan can hear them, but, with the last statement, he sees Dan’s face drop and he suddenly looks unsure of himself. Phil is not about to let Dan question himself and his parenting abilities, not when Phil knows how good of a parent Dan is. He turns towards the women.

“I think he’s doing a pretty good job,” Phil says, “He’s making sure his kid is safe, and the little boy seems happy.”

The women look at Phil and scoff.

“Any child can seem happy at the park,” one says, “I just don’t think he’s old enough to understand what it means to be a parent.”

“Who are you to say that?” Phil asks, anger in his voice, “You don’t know him or his life. Frankly, it’s none of your business.”

The women roll their eyes and turn away from Phil, changing the subject of their conversation. Phil locks eyes with Dan, who looks surprised at Phil’s outburst. Phil lowers his head in shame and doesn’t lift it until he hears footsteps approaching him.

“Phil,” Noah’s gentle voice says, “Are you sad?”

Phil shakes his head. “No, I’m okay, Noah.”

“Promise?” Noah asks, his brown eyes wide.

Phil smiles. “Promise. Did you have fun today?”

Noah immediately smiles. “I did! A lot of fun! Remember when you got stuck on the slide?”

Phil laughs. “I do.”

“Daddy said we can go get ice cream now. Come on.”

Phil lets Noah pull him up off the bench and take him to where Dan is waiting. They let Noah walk a few feet ahead of them while Phil attempts to talk to Dan.

“Are you okay?” he whispers, “You know, after the… that? I didn’t overstep my boundaries, did I?”

Dan shakes his head. 

“No, Phil, you didn’t. Actually, I’m really honored that you defended me. After a while, I got so used to hearing people tell me I’m probably a bad parent, I started to believe it myself. It’s taken a while to get out of that headspace, but, sometimes, someone will say something, and the negative thoughts come back. I know that I’m a good parent, you know? I love him, and I’ll always support him, make sure he’s safe and happy, and discipline him when necessary. But, sometimes, one negative comment makes me spiral out of control. I need to stop doing that.”

“I know I’m not a parent,” Phil begins, “But, I’ve always known that the number one job of a parent is to love their kid. And you love Noah, so much, and I know that you would do anything for him and destroy anyone who even dares to try to hurt him. As for everything else, you’re trying, and you always have been trying. You want the best for him and you’ve been trying your hardest to make sure that you can provide him the best. That’s what makes you a good parent.”

Dan looks down at the path, but Phil can see a small smile on his face.

“Thank you, Phil.”

“Of course.”

 

They eat their ice cream and spend another hour walking through the park before Noah starts to yawn. 

“You tired, bud?” Dan asks him.

Noah nods and rubs his eyes with his fist.

“He probably needs a nap after all that running around. He’s been up since, like, seven. He was so excited for today,” Dan says to Phil.

“He was excited?” Phil asks, “For the park or for me to hang out with you two?”

“Both, honestly. He likes you, Phil. Really. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re really good with him.”

“I’m trying really hard,” Phil says honestly.

“I can tell,” Dan says, “It shows, and I appreciate it. We all do.”

Noah yawns again and Dan giggles.

“Alright, mister, come on,” he says, lifting Noah into his arms.

By the time they reach Dan’s flat, Noah is sound asleep in Dan’s arms. Phil uses Dan’s keys to unlock the door for them and holds the door open for Dan to carry Noah through. Eric is sitting on the couch watching television when they enter and greets them.

“Hey, how was the park?” he asks.

“Fun,” Dan answers, “Really tired him out, though. I’m going to take him to bed, let him sleep before you take him to the party in two hours.”

Eric nods as Dan carries Noah towards his bedroom. Eric smiles at Phil and extends his hand.

“Nice to see you again, Phil. How have you been?”

Phil shakes his hand.

“Pretty good,” he answers, “You?”

“Can’t complain,” Eric responds, “How was today for you?”

“It was really fun, honestly. I was afraid it would be awkward, or Noah wouldn’t like me, but I think it went really well.”

“I’m glad. Really, I am. I like you, Phil, and I appreciate how hard you’re trying here, which,” he says looking around the flat and turning back to Phil with a whisper, “reminds me. Dan says that you and him are going out tonight.”

Phil swallows and nods. “Yeah, a friend from work invited me out and suggested I invite Dan, so I did. And he said yes.”

Eric chuckles quietly. “I know he did. He called me after and we talked about it for a while. He really likes you, Phil.”

Phil nods again. “I like him, too. A lot, since the first day I met him.”

Eric nods this time. “I can tell. And, look, I don’t want this to be one of those ‘if you hurt him, I’ll chop your balls off’ talk because, trust me, if you do hurt him, he won’t need me to help him chop your balls off. But, I do hope that you’re good to him and treat him well. He’s a good person and I want nothing but the best for him.”

“I want that, too,” Phil says, “And I’ll do my best to be the person he deserves.”

“You already are, mate,” Eric answers, “I just hope that you stay that way, exactly who you are, because you really are a good guy, Phil.”

“You are, too.”

Dan walks back into the living room at that moment.

“Alright, I got him in his pajamas and he’s fast asleep. We should probably wake him up at like, four thirty, so he’s not totally out of it at the party. You two good?”

Phil and Eric look at each other. “Absolutely,” Phil answers.

“Great. Well, Phil, we should let you get going and change for tonight,” Dan says.

“Yep,” Phil responds, “I’ll be back around eight and then we’ll head out. Is that good?”

“Yeah, totally. I’m going to go put Noah’s dirty clothes in the washer. See you tonight.”

Dan walks out of the room as Phil waves goodbye. He heads towards the door, Eric behind him. As he goes to leave, Eric speaks up.

“Hey, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For taking such good care of them.”

Phil smiles. “You, too.”


	12. Chapter 12

Phil arrives back at his flat around four and jumps into the shower. He spends far more time than necessary styling his hair because, no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t seem to get it to look right. After the third attempt, he sighs and looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. 

He doesn’t understand why he’s so stressed about tonight. It’s just another night out, no different than the other ones Safiya invites him to, with Dan, the same Dan who makes him feel comfortable and safe. If anything, having Dan around will probably ease a bit of his nerves. Maybe he’s just nervous because he wants to impress Dan. A club, with dancing, probably isn’t the best location to impress Dan since Phil looks like one of those car dealership blow up things when he dances. Though, its almost impossible to try to seem cool and suave around someone who watched you get your ass caught in a slide. He runs his hands through his hair one last time before exiting the bathroom and grabbing his phone. It rings exactly once before the voice on the other end answers.

“Well, hello, Philip. Long time no hear.”

“Hi Tyler.”

“So, to what do I owe this surprise call?”

“Well,” Phil answers, “I’m going out tonight and I’m super nervous.”

“You’re always nervous when you go out,” Tyler says, “Any particular reason why my usual advice won’t cut it this time?”

“Because, this time, Dan will be there.”

Tyler is silent. Suddenly, he practically shrieks into the phone and Phil can swear he’s jumping up and down.

“You’re going on a date with Dan!” he declares, rather than asks.

“It’s not a date,” Phil responds, “Safiya and her Tyler will be there, too. It’s more of a group hangout.”

“Oh, yeah,” Tyler scoffs, “You and Dan together somewhere with another couple. How could I have been so wrong? It must be a group hangout, as you say, and not, oh, a double date?”

“Tyler,” Phil whines, “You’re not helping. It’s not a date, not really, and I don’t want it to be a date because I want to, you know, have our first date be sweet and romantic and I want to get to ask him in a nicer way than just, ‘oh, are you busy tonight?’”

“Philip, you hopeless romantic,” Tyler swoons, “Key word, hopeless. Alright, so it’s not a date and you don’t mind that. So, what exactly is the issue?”

Phil sighs. “I don’t know. I just really want to impress him, you know? Things have been going so well, lately, and I’m afraid that I’m going to mess it all up. What if I’m boring or awkward tonight and he decides that he doesn’t want to be with someone so…ordinary?”

Tyler is silent again for a few moments. 

“Phil, do you know why you’re my friend?”

“No,” Phil replies honestly.

“When I first came to London, I was a mess,” Tyler begins, “I was leaving behind a lot of heartbreak and hoping for a new life, but it seemed like nothing was going right. I was so overwhelmed by everything and was one week away from just giving up and going back to L.A., but, then, you came into the Starbucks I worked at one day. And you were just, so, kind. I was panicking because the drink you ordered was kind of complicated, but you didn’t rush me or even look put out. If anything, you were reassuring me that it was okay, and you had all the time in the world to wait. Then, you gave me a ten pound tip and introduced yourself. Hell, you literally offered to give me a tour of London once you realized that I was American and had just moved here. I had been in London for over a month at that point and no one had been half as kind to me as you had. You were the reason I stayed in London, Phil, and I can never thank you enough for that. So, what you consider ‘ordinary,’ I call relatable and reliable and unbelievably sweet.”

Now, it’s Phil’s turn to be silent.

“Ty,” he says, his voice cracking, “You never told me all that.”

“Yeah, well,” Tyler says, his own voice a bit wet, “It goes against my branding.”

Phil snorts at that.

“But, really,” Tyler continues, “You are exactly the type of person everyone needs and deserves to have in their life. Dan sees all of that in you and more. It’s why he trusts you with his son, and himself. So, trust me, he will not care if you’re awkward tonight or ‘boring.’ If anything, I think he’ll be just as awkward and you two can bond over that.”

“Thank you, Tyler,” Phil says, “Really. You know, the reason I first talked to you that day was because you looked so stressed and upset, like you could really just use a friend, and I wanted to be able to make you smile and be that friend for you. That, and I was totally jealous of your green hair.”

Tyler laughs. 

“Well, thank you. I just hope that I’ve been even half the friend these last few years that you’ve been to me.”

“Way more than half,” Phil replies.

“I’m glad,” Tyler says, “Alright, so advice for tonight: Don’t drink too much, wear those grey skinny jeans you have because they make your legs look great, and, use protection.”

Phil chuckles quietly.

“Noted. Thanks, Ty.”

“You’re very welcome, Philip. And you better call me tomorrow to tell me how it went. I don’t care how hungover you might be.”

“I will. Bye.”

He hangs up the phone and takes a small breath. Tyler has this amazing quality about him that Phil always feels immensely better after he speaks with him. He suddenly feels as if he’s gained a spring in his step. He runs back to the bathroom and fixes his hair, grabs the jeans Tyler recommended and a matching black button up shirt. He shaves and gets dressed and sprays a little cologne for good measure.

Realistically, he knows that tonight might not mean anything. It might just be him and his friend, Dan, having a good time at a club, and he is completely fine with that. He loves spending time with Dan, but, in the back of his mind, he knows that there is a chance that tonight could be the start of something between them that Phil has not experienced in a long time, and, for the first time in forever, is ready for.

**

He takes the Underground to Dan’s flat and finds himself in the all too familiar location of being right outside Dan’s door. He knocks lightly and waits for Dan to answer. When he does, Phil feels his jaw literally drop and his heart momentarily stop. Dan always looks incredible, but tonight, he looks absolutely breathtaking. Phil normally doesn’t subscribe to clichés like that, but there is truly no other word to describe Dan right now. His hair is as fluffy and curly as ever, but it also looks as if he had the sides of his head shaved since earlier this afternoon. He’s wearing dark skinny jeans with rips in the knees and one rip high up on his thigh. His sweater is black with white lines running up and across it. It fits him extremely well, highlighting his shoulders and chest. His small silver hoop earrings glitter and he’s staring at Phil now, smiling big, his dimple prominent. Phil tries to make his mouth form words, but none seem to come. Instead, he continues to stare at Dan with big eyes and a dopey grin. Dan chuckles.

“Hi, Phil. Did you want to come in?”

“Um, hi, Dan,” he manages to get out, “That’s okay. We should probably get going. Safiya will think we ditched them.”

“Okay,” Dan says, locking the door of his flat, “You look really good by the way.”

Phil chokes on his own saliva. “You too.”

**

Phil doesn’t like clubbing. 

He has nothing against people who do like clubbing or clubbing in general. It’s just that his anxiety is at its worst when he’s around large groups of people he doesn’t know. Being in the dark and surrounded by varying levels of drunk people doesn’t exactly help. Normally, when he hangs out with Safiya and her friends, he blends into the background and mingles a bit but mostly stays at the bar by himself until it seems appropriate to leave. Which is not to say that Safiya doesn’t try to get him to interact more or dance because she does, out of love, but it’s just not Phil’s thing. He usually gets on the floor for one dance and that’s it. Tonight, though, he’s not so sure. What if Dan loves to dance and wants Phil to join him? He knows that he could always just say no, but he doesn’t want Dan to be disappointed.

“You should probably know,” Dan says, “That I don’t really dance. I mean, I like to, but big crowds of sweaty people aren’t really my thing. I usually like to just sway in the corner, not that I’ve had a lot of opportunities to go clubbing. Kind of hard to party with a toddler and little access to a babysitter.”

Phil sighs in relief. 

“I actually don’t dance much either. And I don’t really like crowds. Social anxiety can be a real bitch.”

Dan laughs. 

“Don’t I know it. At least we can awkwardly sway in the corner together.”

Phil smiles. 

“Absolutely.”

“Phil!”

Dan and Phil both turn around towards the voice calling out for Phil. It’s Safiya, running up to them, as fast as her heels will allow her. As she gets closer, Phil notes her outfit, which is just so perfectly her. It’s an olive green romper with small flowers on it, black heels, and a choker. Her Tyler, coming up from behind her, looks good too, wearing dark skinny jeans and a loose white top. She runs up to Phil, wrapping him in a tight hug.

“Hi, how are you?” she asks, “You look so good.”

He laughs.

“Thanks, you do, too. I’m good. How are you guys?”

“Good. Good. And you’re Dan, right?”

Dan nods. 

“I am. It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard good things.”

“Likewise. Is it okay if I hug you or would that make you uncomfortable? It’s fine if it would. I’m just a hugger.”

“No, it’s okay,” Dan says, moving in to give her a hug. It’s short but sweet. Tyler eventually makes his way over to the group and shakes hands with Dan and Phil, introducing himself to Dan.

“So,” Tyler says, clapping his hands together, “Should we get inside and have some fun?”

They all cheer in agreement and walk inside the club. It’s no different from any other club Phil’s ever been in. It’s dark and there’s a lot of people and a bar and loud music playing. The group immediately walks towards the bar.

“I’m going to look at the drink menu,” Safiya says, walking towards the center of the bar. Tyler goes with her and Dan and Phil linger behind. Phil can’t help but notice how off Dan looks all of a sudden. He’s hunched over a bit and seems unsure of himself.

“Um, Phil?”

“Yeah, Dan,” Phil says, instinctively moving closer to him, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that, well, I probably should have said something earlier, but I don’t drink.”

“Oh,” Phil says, “That’s okay. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Dan nods. “I know. It’s just, I only stopped drinking altogether about two years ago, after I started my antidepressants. I didn’t drink while pregnant, of course, but I did a little bit after Noah was born. But, I chose to give up drinking as a form of self-care, along with healthier eating and forcing myself to exercise. I’ve had people judge me for it before, so I don’t talk about it much, but I just thought I’d let you know.”

“Anyone who would judge you for that is an asshole,” Phil states, “It’s your life and, if not drinking makes you feel healthier and helps your depression, then why should anyone else say anything?”

His voice is raised slightly and he’s practically shaking with how pissed off he is. 

“Oh, trust me,” Dan says, “I’ve told off quite a few rude people over the last two years. Anyway, I’m going to go order a water. What would you like?”

“Same as you,” Phil answers.

“Phil,” Dan says, “just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean you can’t.”

“I know, but I don’t really drink much as it is. Plus, I’m more of a clingy drunk and I’m not really in the mood to start clinging to people and telling them how much I appreciate them.”

Dan chuckles. 

“Why am I not surprised that that’s the kind of drunk you are?”

“Well, what kind were you?” Phil asks cheekily.

“The sexual kind,” Dan replies simply before turning to order their drinks.

Phil feels his cheeks heat up and chooses to forget that Dan ever said that, sitting down on one of the bar stools next to where Safiya and Tyler are perched. The four of them talk for a bit about casual topics: work, Safiya and Tyler’s new flat, and the best restaurants in London. Dan even talks about Noah and shows the group some cute pictures of him. Eventually, Safiya jumps up out of her seat.

“Oh, I love this song,” she yells over the music, “Ty, come dance with me, please.”

Tyler nods and gets up to join her.

“You guys coming?” he calls to Dan and Phil.

Phil turns to Dan who shrugs in an exaggerated manner.

“We’ll meet you guys there soon.”

“Okay.”

 

They remain seated in the same stools another hour or so, talking about this and that, before Safiya comes bounding over to them. She’s clearly a little tipsy and has removed her heels, but she’s smiling and looks like she’s having the time of her life.

“Philll,” she whines, “You said you guys would come dance. Come on, just one dance, then we’ll go cause it’s getting late and I’m a little tired.”

Phil looks at Dan who nods, a smile forming on his face.

“Alright, alright, here we go,” Phil says, standing up.

Safiya cheers and takes one of their hands in each of hers, dragging them towards the dance floor. Phil doesn’t recognize the song playing, but he likes it. He stands next to Dan and begins his traditional two step move, swaying his arms partially to the beat. Dan giggles.

“Nice moves, Lester.”

“Oh, like you could do better,” Phil teases.

“I can’t,” he replies, “But I can still tell you that you suck.”

He moves closer to Phil, shimmying in an exaggerated manner. Phil smirks and sways his hips back and forth. He catches Safiya’s eye and she winks at him. He blushes, choosing instead to look back at Dan.

Dan, who has stopped shimmying and is instead moving his hands to loop around Phil’s neck. Phil responds by placing his hands carefully on Dan’s waist. They continue swaying, far too slow for this song, as if they’re in their own little world. Dan looks directly into his eyes, and, suddenly, he can’t even hear the music anymore. The only thing he’s able to hear is his own heartbeat, so loud and intense, he wonders if Dan can hear it, too. The world seems to move in slow motion as he feels himself lean in closer towards Dan. Their faces are centimeters apart. He looks at Dan’s lips and then back up to his eyes. Dan smiles before leaning forward, closing off the distance between them, joining their lips in a kiss. Phil closes his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling of Dan’s lips on his, before kissing back. Their lips move together in a rhythm. Phil tightens his grip on Dan’s waist as he feels Dan’s tongue between his lips, silently asking for permission. Phil opens his lips slightly and he and Dan are now properly making out. The kiss lasts for another few seconds before they break apart for air. They’re both breathing heavy and Phil can feel his heart doing somersaults inside his chest. He locks eyes with Dan whose entire face is red. Phil laughs, a light airy laugh mixed with breathy sighs. Dan joins in, giggling, playing with the hair on the back of Phil’s neck.

“Did that really just happen?” he asks.

“It did,” Phil answers, “And I’m so glad it did.”

“Me too.”

Then, Dan leans back in and connects their lips once more.

 

Once the song ends, Phil takes Dan’s hand in his and walks them off the dance floor. They meet up with Safiya and Tyler as Safiya puts her heels back on. She gives Phil a sly look.

“We’re talking about this on Monday,” she whispers to him.

He attempts to act put out, but his happiness is undeniable. He simply nods, and she smiles at him.

“I’m happy for you. Both of you.”

 

They exit the club as a group and exchange goodbyes, Safiya and Tyler heading left, Dan and Phil heading right. The two are silent for a bit as they walk along the noisy streets of London. Phil watches a squirrel narrowly avoid being hit by a cyclist and then run towards a tree. As they near the Underground, Dan stops. Phil stops, as well, narrowly crashing into Dan.

“Tonight was incredible,” Dan says, his cheeks turning red, “But, I just need to know. What is this? What are we? Are we, you know, a thing?”

“Do you want us to be a thing?” Phil asks quietly.

“I do,” Dan replies, “But, only if you do, too.”

“I do want that,” Phil says, “Since the day I met you. But…”

“But?”

“But, I don’t think we should be officially anything until I’ve asked you on a proper date.”

Dan smirks.

“Is this you asking me on a proper date?”

“No, this is,” Phil declares, clearing his throat, “Daniel Howell, would you do me the honor of accompanying me on a date?”

“Why yes, Mr. Lester,” Dan says, feigning seriousness, “Yes I will.”

Phil smiles and claps his hands. Dan giggles at his reaction and moves in to give him a hug. They hug for a few seconds, and, as they pull away, Phil plants a small kiss on Dan’s cheek.

“I’ll text you about that date,” Phil says.

“Can’t wait,” Dan replies. 

He begins to walk towards the Underground station as Phil turns to go the other way, taking out his phone to request an Uber. As he waits on the street corner, he sees Dan turn back around and wave at him. He waves back and watches as Dan boards the train. Once the doors close, he leans back, rubbing his hands through his hair.

“Yes!” he shouts into the air, not caring who hears.


	13. Chapter 13

Phil wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing. He groans and blindly reaches a hand out towards his nightstand, eventually grabbing the phone. He hits the ‘accept call’ option on the screen and grunts out a greeting.

“Hello?”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“Tyler? Ugh, why are you calling me? It’s literally six thirty in the morning.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Tyler replies, not sounding sorry at all, “I have a charity event starting at eight, so I’ve been up since five, but then I remembered that you were out with Dan last night, and, if I don’t hear about your night now, I won’t be able to focus today. So spill.”

Phil rolls over onto his back and sighs happily.

“It was so great, Tyler. He’s awkward just like me and he really can’t dance, but his attempts were cute. And then we kissed, god, we kissed, and it was so freaking good.”

He hears Tyler shriek on the other end of the phone.

“Phil Lester, you kissed him! I am so happy for you and so pumped to start living vicariously through your beautiful love.”

Phil chuckles. “Thanks Tyler.”

“So are you two official now?” Tyler asks.

“Technically no,” Phil answers, “I asked him out on a proper date, though, so I would say we’re close to being official.”

“Alright, you can say it now,” Tyler declares.

“Say what?”

“Thank you,” Tyler responds, “The first day you met him, when you were all heart eyes, and I said that you would thank me someday for being the one to introduce you two. Now, you’re basically dating and it all began with me.”

“Okay, Tyler, you win. Thank you. But, really, thank you. Without you, I don’t think I would have had the confidence to believe that I deserved someone like Dan.”

“Aww, Phil, you’re going to make me cry. Seriously, though, I’m so happy for you, both of you. You deserve it. Anyway, I have to catch my Uber now if I want to get to the event on time. You better keep me updated.”

“I will. Bye Ty.”

“See you, Phil.”

Phil throws his phone to the side and makes himself comfortable again under the covers, in the hopes of getting another hour or four of sleep.

**

When he finally does wake up, five hours later, he’s hit with a sudden longing for Dan. He wishes that Dan were here right now, cuddled up next to him. He wants to be able to run his fingers through Dan’s bed head and watch his chest rise and fall as he sleeps. He wants the first thing he wakes up to every morning to be Dan. 

He drags himself out of bed, takes a shower, and gets dressed. As he’s eating breakfast, he considers texting Dan about the date. He also wonders if it might be too soon. They only kissed yesterday, so is it too soon if they have their first date tonight? He sighs, so unbelievably out of his element right now. Fuck it, he decides, picking up his phone and texting Dan.

Phil: Hey! I was wondering if maybe you wanted to have that date tonight?

Dan: On Sunday? I know I work the late shift on Mondays, but don’t you work tomorrow?

Phil: I don’t go in until noon on Monday. Safiya and I trade off working Monday mornings every week.

Dan: Oh, okay. Then, sure, I’d love to. What did you have in mind?

Phil: There’s that new Thor movie. We could go see it?

Dan: Oh, I’ve been wanting to see that! There’s a cute little theater not too far from my place, so come over around, like, four, and we’ll eat and then go watch it. Sound good?

Phil: Sounds perfect. See you then!

Phil smiles and pumps his fist in the air, content. He starts to lay back on his couch before bolting up suddenly. He has a date with Dan in three hours!

**

After an hour of stressing over his outfit and a long pep talk to himself in front of the bathroom mirror, Phil is out the door on his way to the Underground station. He runs three blocks to the station, just barely making his train, huffing and puffing as he looks for an empty seat. He finally finds one and plops down onto it. An older woman sitting across from him chuckles.

“Got somewhere to be, love?” she asks kindly.

“I do, actually,” Phil answers between heavy breaths.

“Well, I can tell from your fancy clothes that it must be something special. A date, perhaps?”

Phil is kind of shocked by how accurate her guess was but nods anyway.

“Yes, it is,” he responds, a little shy.

The woman smiles.

“Oh, that’s lovely. She’s a lucky girl. You seem like such a nice young man.”

Phil feels an all-too familiar pang in his chest at her words, her assumption. He’s used to it, he supposes. The way his older relatives ask if he has a girlfriend yet, his mother telling him not to bother correcting them because ‘they’re from a different time,’ the way his dad used to talk about his ‘future wife’ before he came out, how many times he wanted to tell someone about a male celebrity he found attractive but didn’t. It doesn’t mean that it ever stops hurting. But, the woman is smiling, and she looks so genuinely happy for him. How could Phil blame her for assuming? Well, he definitely could, but, in all honesty, it’s a battle he’s been fighting his entire life and will continue to fight, and, today, he’s just not up for the fight. So he lets his instincts to find the good in everyone and everything beat out his longing to be able to live as his most authentic self. That, and she or someone else listening to them could very well be homophobic, and, frankly, he’s afraid. In the end, he swallows the lump in his throat and gives the woman what he hopes resembles a smile.

“Thank you so much.”

He doesn’t have to ride the train for much longer after that. It stops where he needs to get off and he does, mustering up a small head nod as the older woman gives him a wink. He takes the steps up out of the station and takes a deep breath. He loves London, he really does, but, sometimes, it’s nice to breathe in air that is slightly less likely to rot his insides. He forces himself to put his conversation with the woman out of his mind, choosing instead to focus on the moment. Because in the moment, he is on his way to Dan’s flat. For their first date. Something that he has been anticipating for quite some time. And he is not about to let society’s assumptions and general homophobia ruin this for him. It’s ruined too much for him already.

**

It’s becoming symbolic, he thinks, the number of times he’s nervously hovered outside of Dan’s door, but, this time, knocking on Dan’s door feels like a new beginning, the initial page turn from chapter one to chapter two. Dan answers the door and Phil watches as his face morphs from nervous excitement to content familiarity mixed with happiness.

He looks as beautiful as ever, in Phil’s humble opinion, a natural blush to his cheeks and a smile that shows throughout his entire face. He’s wearing a dark jumper and some ripped jeans and Phil finds himself unable to look away, but he also finds that Dan is having a hard time looking away from him, as well. One of Dan’s neighbors slams their door shut and that’s enough for both of them jump, giggling when they realize how long they’ve been standing there just staring at each other, though its time Phil would not want to spend doing much else.

“Hi Phil,” Dan says in a tone so gentle and fond, it makes Phil’s heart do somersaults in his chest.

God, how was he this lucky to find someone who makes him feel the way Dan does?

“Hi Dan. You look amazing,” Phil replies.

“Thank you,” Dan says, the hint of a blush on his cheeks, “So tell me, Phil Lester, what type of food are you in the mood for? I know you don’t come to this part of London too often, but there are so many amazing food places around here.”

“Well actually,” Phil begins, “I was thinking we could maybe go to Starbucks? I saw one on my way over here and I know it’s kind of boring and a little cliché, but its where we properly started to get to know each other. I thought it might be nice to, I don’t know, recreate that first proper hang out because now we know each other a lot better, and I’m really happy about it, but there’s still more that I want to learn about you and Starbucks just seems like, I don’t know, like, our place. I suppose.”

He trails off awkwardly, certain that Dan thinks his idea is stupid. Who would choose a Starbucks for a first date over a fancy restaurant? When he looks at Dan, though, he sees an expression on his face that he can’t really read. Dan is staring straight at him and he looks… shocked, maybe? Or a bit taken aback? But then he smiles at Phil, a smile that Phil hasn’t seen from him yet. He’s smiling with teeth but not too much and the smile reaches his eyes in a way that Phil can only describe as soft. He looks, well, for lack of a better word, he looks touched.

“You really remember our first proper meeting that much?” Dan asks incredulously in a quiet voice, “And regard it that highly? Honestly, at first, I was certain that you didn’t like me at all that day because you weren’t talking to me at all. But then, I could tell that you wanted to because you would start to say something and then stop. And I wanted to talk to you, too, but I felt nervous, I guess, and didn’t. It’s strange because I considered Starbucks to be the most awkward part of that day and from there, it got better, so much better. But, the fact that you saw it as our beginning, as our place, is making me think differently about it. I mean, without the Starbucks, we never would have gotten the nervous awkwardness out of the way that allowed us to get to know each other later. And you thinking of it, of everything, in that lens just, I don’t know, it makes me so happy to have you in my life. I’m sorry if that sounds stupid.”

“It doesn’t,” Phil practically whispers, moving closer towards Dan, “I was so nervous that day, the nervousest person ever, honestly, because I liked you a lot and I wanted to get to know you. And, even though I didn’t actually talk to you until after Starbucks, I still learned a lot about you while we were there that made me want to get to know you even more.”

“Like what?”

“Like the way you interact with Tyler and laugh at his ridiculous jokes way louder than you should in public, but you do anyway because you just can’t help it. Or when I dropped the sugar packet into my coffee and you saw but didn’t say anything because you saw that I was already embarrassed. And how excited you get while you’re telling a story or talking about something you love. You were telling a story about a dog you saw on your way to work one morning and I remember thinking in that moment that I could sit and listen to you talk for hours about anything solely because of the way your eyes light up when you’re really passionate about something and you talk with your hands. It was all amazing, it still is. You’re amazing.”

Dan blinks at him and says nothing, choosing instead to wrap his arms tightly around Phil’s back, Phil’s immediately moving to loop around Dan’s neck.

“Thank you,” Dan begins, “I don’t even know what else to say except that. I was so sure that you were ignoring me while you were actually paying more attention to me than I probably deserved. That’s something I really l… like about you, you know? How much you truly and genuinely care about people? You’re quiet, but you’re always paying attention and you remember the smallest details and it makes me feel so special.”

“You are,” Phil whispers back, kissing Dan’s temple.

“Well, so are you,” Dan replies, leaning forward to join their lips.

It’s a slow kiss, nothing too rough and seeking nothing more than solace, a reminder that the other man is solid and there and with no intention to leave their little bubble any time soon. When Phil begrudgingly pulls back for air, he’s certain that his heart momentarily stops when he sees Dan and how incredibly gorgeous he looks with a single curl falling on his forehead, his eyes still shut from the kiss, and still slightly out of breath, his lips just a bit red. 

God, really, how was he this lucky?

Dan eventually opens his eyes and smiles at Phil.

“Well,” he begins still a bit breathless, “Should we get going then?”

Phil nods and waits for Dan to lock the door. The two then take the stairs to the lobby of Dan’s building and exit onto the pavement. They decide to get coffee after the movie, as they’re actually running late. They walk briskly for about four blocks before Dan stops.

“Here it is,” he says, pointing at the building next to them.

Phil turns towards the building. It’s a small quaint looking theatre with the old-fashioned movie poster displays in the front and a marquee that extends overhead out to the pavement. There doesn’t seem to be a name, it’s just called ‘theatre,’ but the word is displayed in large colorful letters on top of the marquee. It even has an outdoor ticket counter near the entrance, though it appears to have not been in use for quite some time.

“Wow,” Phil says, “We don’t have theatres like this in downtown London.”

Dan nods, looking down and scuffing his shoe along the ground.

“Well, yeah, I mean, I know it’s not much, but it’s nearby and it’s cheap and it doesn’t hold a lot of people which is good when Eric and I try to see movies with Noah. Less people to yell at us if he starts crying or whining and no big crowds that would frighten him.”

“Hey,” Phil says, “I didn’t say it was a bad thing. I love theatres like this. Big crowds freak me out and I always hate full theatres because someone always is sitting in the seat I reserved and I’m always too scared to ask them to leave.”

“You need to be more assertive, Phil,” Dan replies with a chuckle.

“Yeah, I need to work on that,” Phil says, “But, really, I love this place, and, mostly, because it means something to you and your family. I’m honored that you want to take me here.”

“I’m glad,” Dan answers, “Anyway, we better hurry and get inside. The movie starts in, like, twenty minutes. I hope you don’t mind overly buttered popcorn.”

Phil smirks.

“As long as you don’t mind me eating way more candy than I should.”

“I think I’ll allow it just this once,” Dan replies, sticking his tongue out at Phil.

They enter the theatre, buy their tickets and snacks, and find two seats right in the middle of the small screening room. There are only about twenty rows of seats, but this movie has been out now for about three weeks, so he’s not surprised that them and one other older couple are the only people in here.

“It’s so cute in here,” he comments quietly.

Dan swallows a bit of popcorn and nods.

“It is. It’s just really cozy, too. Since I moved after we filed for divorce last year, I took Noah here almost every weekend during the winter because the heat in my building sucks and I didn’t want him to get sick. Then, we started bringing Eric along, too, and it was just really nice. I love this place.”

He smiles at the end of his statement, a small smile that holds so much more.

“I love learning new things about you,” Phil says.

Dan looks at him.

“Well, I love… learning things about you, too.”

He coughs, and Phil goes to respond but stops because the lights go down. Dan closes his eyes and ears to avoid being spoiled while the trailers for new movies play and Phil giggles at his dramatics. They’re silent for most of the movie, Phil wasn’t exaggerating when he said that he was super excited to see it, but they hold hands on the armrest between them and Phil is brave enough to fake a yawn and move his other arm behind Dan’s shoulders. Dan responds by snuggling closer to him. It’s amazing to Phil, how comfortable this all feels. How comfortable he feels sitting here, in this place that means so much to Dan, holding hands and practically cuddling with Dan. He never wants to stop getting the opportunity to do this.

They stay for the extended scene, as it is a Marvel movie after all, and, by the time they get up to leave, the theatre is completely empty.

“I’ve never been in a theatre while it’s empty,” Phil remarks, still whispering though he doesn’t have to.

“It’s cool, isn’t it?” Dan says, “It feels like another world, especially when the lights are out, and you still have that post-movie haze where you feel like you could go run in front of a bus and live.”

“That sounds absolutely insane,” Phil replies, “Yet I know exactly what you mean.”

“I guess you just get me then.”

“I guess I do.”

Dan smiles at him and they exit the screening room together. As they approach the light of the small lobby, Dan lets go of his hand and the sudden rush of cold air and the feeling of his empty hand hits him hard. He tries not to think about it because he knows its for the best, but it’s still hard.

They exit the theatre and walk a few more blocks towards the nearest Starbucks. They enter to find almost every seat filled, even the small couches. They decide to get their coffee to go.

“The sentiment of this being our place is still there even if we don’t actually get to sit down,” Dan remarks, “Plus, we have all the time in the world to sit and drink Starbucks together.”

Phil almost chokes on his Frappuccino at Dan’s words but then smiles. Dan imagines a future with him, a future where they sit together at a Starbucks and talk while drinking slightly overpriced and more than slightly sweet drinks together. Honestly, he can’t imagine a future that would be better.

 

They decide to drink their coffee and share a single scone while they walk around the area. Dan points out various independently owned clothing shops and antique stores and tells Phil stories about taking Noah to each of these places.

“God, I’m sorry,” he says, interrupting himself, “I’ve become one of those parents who just talks about their kid constantly. What’s next? Me opening my wallet to show you pictures of him?”

“No, it’s cute,” Phil says, “I love hearing about Noah and I love how bright your eyes get when you talk about him.”

“You say that now, Lester, but be prepared. Once you get me started talking about my kid, I never stop.”

“I think I’ll survive,” Phil says with a snort.

They continue walking and making small talk as the sun begins to set around them. They disposed of their coffee cups about an hour before, and, though they don’t feel safe holding hands, they’re walking as close to each other as two people can and brushing hands occasionally. The chiming of a local church bell alerts them it’s almost nine at night.

“Oh, wow, it’s nine already?” Dan asks.

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” Phil replies with an exaggerated wink, “But, yeah, I should probably be getting home.”

“Um, well, maybe, you don’t have to,” Dan responds quietly.

“What do you mean?” Phil asks, confusion evident on his face.

“Did you want to, maybe, spend the night at mine?”

“Oh,” Phil responds dumbly, “Um, you mean, um. Oh.”

Dan seems to pick up on his confusion and nervousness because he interjects immediately.

“Not for, um, that. Not yet, I mean. I just meant that it’s getting late and you work late tomorrow, so it might be easier to just, um, spend the night with me. Sleeping.”

He concludes awkwardly, his cheeks bright red, and Phil is sure his are just as red.

“Oh,” Phil responds dumbly once again, “Well, okay then. Sure. Thank you, I’d love to.”

“Cool,” Dan says, “Shall we walk back to my place, then?”

Phil nods and the two walk leisurely back to Dan’s flat. Or, maybe, Phil thinks, they’re both purposely walking slow to think about what all of this means. At least, Phil is. He knows that him going back to Dan’s place doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll have sex, now or ever. He wants to, obviously. Dan is extremely attractive, and Phil is attracted to him, but he doesn’t think that he’s ready yet. He’s never had sex with someone he’s been in a serious relationship with before and he doesn’t want his nerves to ruin their first time together. He’s also not sure exactly where Dan stands on this topic and thinks that they should definitely talk about it first. He knows that Dan would never try to pressure him or anything, and, if things ever did escalate to a place Phil wasn’t ready for, all he would have to say is ‘no,’ and Dan would immediately back off. And Phil would do the same. The issue comes from his own fears of not being good enough or attractive enough for Dan, that he won’t make their first time together special or that he’ll mess it up entirely. He knows Dan would say that that isn’t true or possible, but it doesn’t stop him from worrying about it. 

He also knows that staying the night at Dan’s flat is a big step for them, for their relationship. It represents comfort and trust and everything Phil has come to love from being with Dan and he wants to do it. He does and, clearly, Dan does, too. It’s not that he’s afraid they’re moving too fast or getting too serious. It’s more that they’re at a good pace, one that they’ve talked about it and are both comfortable with, yet Phil still isn’t sure where sex comes into play or what having sex will mean for both of them. And, frankly, he wants to have that talk with Dan, needs to have that talk with Dan, but he can’t help being just a tad nervous at what the fact that this is a conversation they need to have means, in terms of their future.

They eventually reach Dan’s front door and Phil thinks about the symbolism of how its usually Phil standing at Dan’s front door, yet, right now, it’s both of them standing outside of the door together, opening said door to a new, exciting, and slightly nerve-wreaking chapter of their relationship.


	14. Chapter 14

They enter Dan’s flat and spend an hour or so playing Mario Kart, Phil losing every round by a wide margin. Dan notices that something seems off with him, because something is off with him, and pauses their current game, tucking a leg underneath himself as he turns towards Phil.

“Are you okay?” he asks, “I know you’re not great at this game, but this is bad, even for you.”

Phil attempts to smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’m okay,” he responds, “It’s just that we should probably talk. About this. Tonight.”

“Are you not comfortable staying the night?” Dan asks, “Because you don’t have to. I can call you an Uber, it’s totally fine.”

“No, no, I’m fine staying the night,” Phil replies, “I mean, I want to. I just think we should talk about what this, you know, means.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Dan says.

“I know, but it kind of does, for me, at least. This is a big step for me. I’ve never spent the night with someone I’ve dated before, someone I’ve cared about the way I care about you. I’m happy about it and I’m ready to spend the night, but I’m not ready to ‘spend the night,’ if you know what I’m saying.”

Dan’s eyes widen slightly, and he nods.

“Oh,” he says, “Well, this means something for me, too. I know it’s a big step, trust me I do, but it’s a step I’m also ready for. Not sex, not yet at least. I mean you spending the night.”

He puts his head in his hands and groans.

“Sorry, I’m not explaining myself well. I guess it’s all kind of new to me, you know? The last time I spent an entire night with someone I was dating for the first time, I put our infant to sleep first. So, I’ve never really done this before. I want you to spend the night with me, just sleeping, because I want to experience this first with you. I want to experience all the firsts with you, if you do, too.”

He looks away, blushing slightly, and continues.

“But, I guess we should talk about what happens after tonight. You know, if or when we do decide to you know, be intimate in that way. We should discuss boundaries.”

Phil nods in agreement.

“We should,” he begins, “So for tonight, I’ll spend the night here. I can take the couch if that’s okay?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to share my bed? The couch isn’t very comfortable. This isn’t me, like, trying to coerce you into my bed, but, if you wanted to, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I have pajamas you can borrow.”

Phil nods. 

“Okay, I’m okay with that. Honestly, I wanted to share your bed, but I wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with it.”

“You can just ask me, Phil,” Dan replies, “If I’m not comfortable, I’ll tell you so. I want you to be able to tell me things, to feel safe to.”

“I do feel safe with you and I promise from now on, I’ll be honest with you about what I want or don’t want, and I want you to do the same.”

Dan nods. 

“I will. So, is that the plan then? If something starts to, you know, naturally happen between us that we haven’t done yet, if one of us is uncomfortable or not completely certain that we want it, then we put a stop to it immediately and go from there.”

“Yeah, I think that’s best, and that can apply to stuff that doesn’t have to do with physicality either. And I also think that we should double check before we try or do anything together, anything new or something we’ve already done, that both of us are ready and want it to happen.”

“Absolutely. So, I guess, for now, is there anything that you know for a fact would be going past your current boundaries?”

Phil thinks about it.

“I’m not ready for sex yet,” he admits, “It’s not about you, though, or not being comfortable around you. It’s more about me needing this part of our relationship to go slow because it’s all so new to me and I want to be sure I won’t screw it up.”

“You could never,” Dan says, confirming Phil’s earlier thoughts, “But, I get it. I’m not ready for sex, either. I care about you a lot, but I’m still nervous about doing all of this for the first time in quite a while and I guess I don’t want to mess things up, either.”

“It’s stupid, you know,” he continues, “How we keep explaining these reasons for not wanting sex. Like, I know it’s important for us to be able to discuss our concerns and insecurities with each other before we even think about sex, but it’s also so weird, I guess, that we both feel the need to justify why we don’t want sex right now. ‘No’ should be enough, but, for so many people, it’s not and that’s fucking stupid. I know you’re not like that and I’m not either, but it just sucks, I guess. Sorry, I’m rambling.”

“No, you’re right,” Phil responds, “It is stupid and wrong and gross.”

“Yeah,” Dan says before shaking his head and changing the subject slightly, “So, now that we have an idea of what we don’t want, what would you say you are comfortable with right now?”

“I like kissing you,” Phil replies, fighting the blush forming on his cheeks, “A lot. So, I would say that I’m comfortable kissing you and making out, maybe even without shirts on.”

Dan nods, thinking.

“Okay,” he begins, “I would say I’m comfortable with all of that, too. So, I guess that’s that. For now, we go as far as making out, and, if it starts to go beyond that, we stop and talk about it and make sure that we’re both on board.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Me too,” Dan says, “And not a moment too soon because it is almost midnight and you have to work earlier than me tomorrow, Mr. Lester.”

“Well, alright then, Mr. Howell,” Phil responds with a smirk, “Would you be so kind as to show me to where I can get ready for bed?”

“Of course, good sir,” Dan adds, playing along, “Right through that door. Let me get you some pajamas.”

 

Phil takes the pajamas into the bathroom and gets ready for bed. When he walks into Dan’s bedroom ten minutes later, he’s hit suddenly with a burst of familiarity, as if he belongs here. It feels safe and cozy. Dan goes into the bathroom then and comes out twenty minutes later, wearing a loose t-shirt and some sweatpants. He spots Phil still standing in that same place he left him in the corner of his room and snorts.

“Are you coming to bed?” he asks, giggling.

“Yeah,” Phil responds, “I just wasn’t sure if I should get into bed without you, you know, being here.”

“Well, from now on, consider yourself more than welcome to make yourself at home in my bed.”

They laugh, but the importance and magnitude of that statement did not go over either of their heads.

Dan pulls the duvet back and climbs into the right side of the bed. Phil slowly makes his way over and gets into the left side of the bed, carefully, as if he’s afraid that he’ll break it. They both get comfortable and then Dan pulls the duvet over their bodies. He extends his arm to turn off the small lamp he has on his end table and the room is immediately plunged into darkness. Phil hears Dan shuffling to lay down on his pillow and sees his silhouette turn towards the center of the bed. Phil turns in that direction, as well, so they’re facing each other. Even in the dark, Dan is beautiful, Phil thinks, as he reaches a hand slowly towards Dan’s face. He brushes a single curl away from his forehead and tucks it behind his ear. He’s not positive, but he’s almost certain that Dan is smiling. Dan moves just the slightest bit closer and rests his head on Phil’s chest, Phil turning onto his back. He feels Dan place a kiss onto his clothed chest, so he places one into Dan’s hair, lightly sniffing his curls. He smells like home.

“Good night, Phil,” Dan whispers.

“Good night, Dan.”


	15. Chapter 15

Phil wasn’t entirely sure what he expected to wake up to. 

Like he’s said, he’s never really done this before. Maybe he would wake up to an empty bed and a pit would begin to form in his stomach, as if Dan had changed his mind about all of this, but the pit would disappear instantly when he heard the sounds of Dan making coffee for them both in the kitchen, putting way too much sugar in Phil’s, just as Dan knows he likes it.

Maybe he’d wake up to Dan still soundly sleeping, his head on Phil’s chest or his face only inches away, and he’d just watch him sleep in a totally non-creepy way, smiling, thinking about how unbelievably happy he is. Or, perhaps, he’d wake up to Dan already watching him like that, blushing at having been caught but smiling hard enough that Phil can put a finger inside his dimple.

There are a few options Phil had considered he’d wake up to, but the sounds of cabinets slamming, and a small voice yelling was not one of them. 

The noises seem to wake Dan up, too. He stirs next to Phil, rubbing a hand through his hair as he sits up. He looks down at Phil next to him and smiles. And Phil takes a deep and slightly shaky breath. He’s never woken up next to someone before. He’s heard stories and read books about how it feels to wake up next to someone you care about for the first time, but he’d never imagined it could feel this amazing. Dan’s hair is messy, and his pajama shirt is rumpled. He has sleep in his eyes and there’s little doubt that he probably has morning breath. Yet, right now, to Phil, he is the most beautiful person he has ever seen. His smile is genuine and trusting and Phil has no idea what he did in any other universe to deserve someone like Dan trusting him with their heart.

The moment is disrupted by the sounds coming from the kitchen again and Phil watches Dan’s eyes widen.

“Shit,” he whispers, getting out of bed, and searching the room for proper clothes. 

“What’s wrong?” Phil whispers back, “Is it a burglary? Cause, if you want, I can, you know, go out there.”

Dan chuckles. “And do what? Die. No, you spoon, it’s not a robbery. It’s Eric and Noah. I forgot I was supposed to watch Noah today because Eric has a meeting at work that he cannot miss that starts before Noah goes to daycare.”

He turns to Phil.

“I’m so sorry, Phil. This was supposed to be a special moment for us, just you and me, but, as usual, my crazy life got in the way.”

“Hey,” Phil says, getting out of the bed and walking towards Dan, “Don’t be sorry. This was a special moment for us. I got to sleep next to someone I care about for the first time and then got to wake up next to the most amazing man in the world.”

“You woke up next to Chris Hemsworth?” Dan replies with a small smile.

“Okay fine, the second most amazing man in the world,” Phil retorts with a smirk, “But really, thank you for last night. It meant the world to me.”

“Me too.”

“So,” Dan continues, “We should probably get dressed and go out there.”

“Are you sure?” Phil says, “I could climb out the window.”

“We’re on, like, the twentieth floor or something, you twat. No, let’s just make ourselves presentable and go out there. Eric’s going to get worried soon.”

They take turns in the bathroom, brushing their teeth and putting clothes on. Phil walks out of the bathroom to see Dan, already dressed and ready, making the bed. He can’t fight the smile on his face at how domestic this all feels. As Dan is fluffing the pillows, Phil comes up behind him and hugs him.

“Hi,” he says into Dan’s hair.

“Hi,” Dan replies, pulling Phil’s arms around his waist and turning his head towards Phil’s.

He connects their lips in a short kiss, smiling as he pulls back. Phil is tempted to kiss him again but knows they have to go.

They walk into the living room quietly, looking for a sign of Eric or Noah. 

“Noah?” Dan calls into the flat.

“In the kitchen, daddy,” Noah responds, his mouth full of cereal.

“Okay,” Dan says.

He turns to Phil and breathes a sigh of relief.

“Okay, perfect. We can tell Noah that you just got here and avoid the awkwardness of explaining this all to him. For now.”

Phil nods.

“Okay.”

“Sounds great,” a third voice fills in.

Dan closes his eyes and drops his head, exhaling heavily. He then turns around to see Eric coming out from behind a wall.

“Hi Phil,” Eric says in an amused tone.

“Hi Eric,” Phil responds, making a confused gesture when Dan glares at him.

“What? I have to say ‘hi’ to him.”

Dan pinches his temples and sighs again.

“Phil, why don’t you join Noah in the kitchen for a bit while Eric and I talk?”

Phil looks between the two exes and nods hurriedly.

“Sure thing,” he declares, speed walking towards the kitchen.

He walks into the kitchen and sees Noah seated at the table eating a bowl of cereal. Noah’s eyes light up when he sees Phil standing there.

“Phil!” he exclaims.

“Hi Noah,” he replies, “How are you?”

“I’m good, but I thought you were leaving.”

“Leaving? What do you mean?”

“Well,” Noah begins, “I thought you were gonna stay here with me and daddy after I saw you and daddy in his room, but then I saw you going to the door, so I thought you were leaving.”

Phil pales.

“You saw me and your daddy in his room this morning?”

Noah nods. 

“We knocked on the front door and daddy didn’t answer, so papa had to use his key. I was worried that daddy was sad, so I went to his room to check on him. Then, I saw you there, too. Papa said to let you guys sleep and made me breakfast.”

“Oh,” Phil says, “Well, yeah, I, um, spent the night here because it was too late and dark outside for me to go home last night.”

“Oh, okay,” Noah says, and Phil thinks the conversation is over until Noah speaks again.

“Um, Phil?”

“Yes, Noah?”

“Are you gonna be my new daddy?”

Phil pales once again and begins stammering, searching for something to say, anything to say.

“Why would you ask that, Noah?” he finally asks, gently.

“Because you and daddy were sleeping together in daddy’s bed. Only daddy and papa have ever slept in the same bed before. Does that mean you and daddy are gonna get married?”

“Um…” Phil begins.

He sits down in the seat across from Noah, staring down at the table, trying to buy himself time to think of something to say. Noah’s looking at him with wide eyes, as if he knows exactly what he wants, what he needs Phil to say, but Phil has no idea what that is. He’s never had to do this before, have a difficult and complicated conversation with a child. He knows that whatever he says could either make Noah very happy or very sad and he doesn’t like having that kind of distinctive authority. He can’t do this, he’s not a parent. He can’t believe how naïve he was, never expecting this type of conversation to arise, never thinking of how Noah would interpret his relationship with Dan. He’s worried that whatever he says will break Noah’s heart and he just can’t do that to him. Noah doesn’t deserve this. His entire life changed recently, and, now, Phil enters it out of the blue and he has no idea what role Phil plays in his life or could play. And he doesn’t know how to explain to Noah that he really doesn’t yet, either, that it’s complicated. 

But, Noah’s staring at him, as if he’s got all the answers, and, even though he doesn’t, he needs to toughen up and at least pretend he does, for Noah’s sake. 

“Well, Noah,” he continues, “It’s complicated. I like your daddy very much and he likes me, too. It’s all very new, though.”

“So, you might get married?” Noah asks, eyes wide and curious.

“Um, it’s a possibility, but it’s too early to really know,” Phil replies.

“I don’t want you two to get married,” Noah mumbles, lowering his eyes.

Phil feels his heart sink in his chest. Noah doesn’t want him to marry Dan. Does that mean Noah doesn’t like him, doesn’t trust him, doesn’t want him around Dan? And, to think, he had felt so certain that Noah liked him so far.

“How come?” Phil asks quietly.

Noah doesn’t look up, but he responds.

“If you get married, you might get a divorce, like daddy and papa did. And then I might not see you anymore.”

Phil blinks and tries to think of the right thing to say, what Dan or Eric would say in this situation, what a parent would say.

“Hey, you’d still see me, if you wanted to. And your daddy and papa may have gotten a divorce, but it doesn’t mean that all people who get married get a divorce or that they don’t love you or each other.”

“But everything’s different,” Noah mumbles, “I liked how things were before.”

Noah’s lip quivers and Phil begins to silently panic. He doesn’t know how to comfort a crying child, especially one whose upset for reasons Phil can’t fix. He can’t do this, god, he’s not ready for this.

“I know things are different,” he says, “But different doesn’t mean worse, right? I mean, now, you have two houses and two bedrooms and a lot more toys, yeah? And, I know that a lot of stuff has changed for you, but the one thing that will never change is how much your parents love you. Parents make mistakes and they get scared and sad just like you, but a good parent loves their child very much and will do anything to make them happy. And your parents are two of the best parents I’ve ever met.”

“Do you think they’d be mad at me for missing how things were before?” Noah asks, a single tear running down his face.

“Of course not,” Phil assures him, “It’s normal to miss the way things used to be. Change can be sad and scary. But, you know what? There’s a whole big future out there and you and your parents will make so many memories together and have so much fun, even though things are a little different now. Because, you know what will never change? That the three of you are a family and you love each other.”

“And,” he continues, “If your daddy and I ever did get married, I would love you so much. I already do. And I would try my best to be a good parent, no matter what kind of changes we face.”

Noah nods slowly, wiping his eyes.

“Promise?” Noah asks.

“Promise,” Phil responds.

“Thank you, Phil,” Noah says, a small smile beginning to form on his face.

“You’re welcome, Noah.”

He knows that he may not have all the answers, maybe he never will. He knows that it’s scary that his words can have such an impact. He knows the future is a mystery, and, honestly, it’s a little scary. But, he also knows that a soft spot has quickly been developing in his heart for this little family, a family that he would have no issue possibly being a part of someday, if they wanted him to be. He knows that there will be situations he doesn’t understand or feels unready for and days where it feels like everything is falling apart. Maybe he’ll never know exactly the correct thing to do or say, but he knows that he will try his hardest to find the best thing he can do or say. And, above all, he will love these people with his entire heart.


	16. Chapter 16

Roughly one month later, Phil is feeling good, better than good, honestly. 

He and Dan are still together and better than ever. They’ve been on a few dates since the movie and Phil now joins Dan and Noah at the park every Saturday. It’s become a little tradition between them, one that Phil treasures and would never trade for the world. 

He’s kept his Tyler and Safiya up-to-date with everything that’s happened between him and Dan and all of them so far, but he finds it becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the nagging at the back of his mind to tell his mum about everything. She knows that he and Dan are officially dating now and he’s spending more time with him and Noah and Eric, but she doesn’t know how serious it’s becoming. Phil’s spent a few more nights at Dan’s flat, sleeping in Dan’s bed. They may have also begun being physically intimate with each other in ways Phil does not want to talk to his mum about. 

He does, however, want to talk to her about his growing feelings for Dan and how scared he is about the growing yearning in his heart to make a life with Dan. He worries that his heart might be controlling his mind and his inexperience with love and dating has him wanting things he shouldn’t be acting on, not yet at least. He knows he should talk to Dan about it and he will, but he wants his mum’s advice first. He’s always trusted her advice, but, at the same time, this is different. He’s never really come to her for relationship advice before, he’s never needed it. Not that that ever stopped her from trying to give it. She was always trying to set Phil up with her friends’ children or telling him to put himself out there or asking him why he hasn’t started settling down yet. He knows she wants the best for him, but it’s hard. When he called her a month and a half ago, they talked about everything he’s ever wanted to tell her. Except this. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to talk to her about this. 

But, maybe, that’s why he needs to talk to her about it. It’s the only wedge between them right now and he wants it gone. He’s so happy right now, so happy, and he just wants to be able to tell his mum how happy he is, without lies or fear or hiding parts of himself.

He sits down on his couch and pulls out his phone, staring at his mother’s contact information for far too long, before hitting ‘call.’ It rings once, twice, and, then, a voice answers.

“Hello?”

“Hi mum.”

“Oh! Hello, child. How are you?”

Phil smiles. “I’m good mum, I’m really good. How are you? How’s dad?”

“Well, you certainly sound good. Your dad and I are good, too. So, tell me, what’s got you sounding so happy today?” his mum replies with a chuckle.

“Um,” Phil begins, “Well, to be honest mum, this is the happiest I think I’ve been in a long time.”

“That’s all we’ve ever wanted for you, Phil,” his mum says, her voice sounding a bit wet, “To be happy. I’m so glad that you’re feeling so good now.”

“Thank you, mum,” Phil replies, “And it’s not like I’ve never been happy because I have. It’s just that I’ve never felt so wholeheartedly content with my life and who I am and how I present who I am to the world and those around me. But, I guess I just wanted to make it clear that Dan being in my life isn’t the only reason that I’m happier now.”

“Okay,” his mum says, sounding a bit confused.

“I’m not saying that you’ve said that before,” Phil continues, “Or that you will, but I just want to be able to put that out there. Dan is definitely part of my happiness and him and his family have inspired me to embrace my true self. But, at the same time, if I didn’t want to embrace that part of me or I wasn’t confident enough to, then I wouldn’t have. But, I did. For a lot of reasons. The main one being that, frankly, I have come to realize that I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be the person I want to be. For so long and for so many reasons, I’ve been hiding that person because, I guess, because I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what, love?” his mum asks quietly.

“Afraid that you were wrong,” Phil admits.

“About what?”

“You always say that if I just put myself out there more and be myself, then people would like me, want to date me and fall in love with me. That the reason I don’t have a ton of friends or a partner was because I was hiding myself and putting on a front. And, I was afraid to stop hiding because I was afraid that, if I was myself, people still might not like me or want to be with me. And that’s scary. I guess I thought that I’d rather willingly have no one than try and realize how unlovable I really was.”

“Oh, Phil,” his mum replies, letting out a small sob, “My goodness, Phil. You are lovable, so lovable. I have had the privilege of watching you grow up into a smart and kind and honest young man. And I always knew that, someday, someone would see in you everything me and your father and Martyn see in you and so much more. But when I started to watch you shrink in on yourself and hide your heart away, it broke my heart. I kept hoping that, if I tried to push you into meeting new people, then you would start to open yourself up again. But I was wrong to do that. Unfortunately, this was the type of thing you had to figure out for yourself. As much as I wanted to butt in, I couldn’t, though we both know I did, and I’m sorry for that. Sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t enough or that I was disappointed in you or that all I wanted was for you to get married. All I ever wanted, all I want, is for my kids to be happy, and words cannot describe how happy I am for you right now. You have everything you’ve always wanted and more and I am so proud of you, Phil. And I always will be, no matter what happens.”

Phil wipes furiously at his eyes, sniffling.

“Thank you, mum. Thank you so much. I know you had good intentions, but it was hard, I guess, not to feel like you always wanted something from me that I wasn’t ready to give yet. I always had such bad luck with dating, and, sometimes, I just didn’t feel that way about people that everyone expected me to, including you. So, I felt like I was letting everyone down. But… I don’t feel that way anymore. I just wasn’t ready yet and forcing myself for other people’s sake wouldn’t have done any good. And I’m done with being mad at myself. I know I missed out on a lot by hiding myself like I did for as long as I did, but I’m not doing that anymore and I’m not going to anymore. I have friends now, good friends who know the real me, and I feel like you and dad and Martyn know me better than ever. And I have Eric and Noah, who have become like a second family to me. And Dan. Mum, I love him. I’m in love with him.”

“Oh, Philip,” his mum says, clearly still choked up, “You’ve found your balance.”

“My balance?” Phil asks.

“Yes,” his mum answers, “Your balance between finding yourself and who you want to be and caring for and being there for those around you. You’ve always been kind to others, but, now, you’ve found a way to balance that with being who you really are and putting value in your own needs. It took me decades to be able to do that and all I’ve ever wanted was for you and Martyn to have an easier time finding that balance. And, I know it might not have been easy for you, but you still did it and you still have so much life ahead of you. I am so proud of you, Phil.”

“Thank you, mum. For everything you’ve ever done for me. I feel like I don’t tell you that enough.”

“You tell me plenty, child. Through words and actions,” his mum replies, sniffling, “Now, when do I get to meet this young man you love and his lovely family?”

“Actually,” Phil says, “He’s throwing a joint birthday party for himself and his son in three weeks because their birthdays are so close together. He said I was welcome to invite anyone I want, so if you and dad want to come and meet them, you’re more than welcome. I’ll invite Martyn and Cornelia, too.”

“We’d be honored, child. I can’t wait to meet him. Oh, this is so exciting!”

“Just, please don’t embarrass me, mum,” Phil retorts jokingly.

“Well, there goes my bloody plan, I suppose,” his mum says sarcastically.

“Mum,” Phil whines.

His mum laughs on the other end.

“Well, it’s been lovely talking to you, child, but your father and I made plans to go shopping tonight. I’ll tell him you called and send your love. Keep me updated on everything and we’ll see you in a few weeks for the party.”

“I will mum. And, yes, I’ll see you then. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Philip. Always.”

She hangs up and Phil continues to sit there for a moment and just listen to the dial tone. He leans back against his couch and lets out a deep sigh. It feels as if the weight of the world has finally been lifted off of his shoulders. He’s never felt this way before. Completely free and unabashedly happy.

Maybe it won’t last forever, but, for now, he’s going to savor it and, the next time he feels disheartened, he’ll remember how he feels right now and know that it will always be possible to feel like this again. 

For the first time in a long time, Phil has hope.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> I just have two quick things to say.
> 
> First, today's chapter is a long one, the longest one so far, and I'm particularly proud of it, so I hope you all enjoy it. Unfortunately, there will be no update on Friday. I have literally zero free time from 8 am on Friday until midnight on Saturday. There might be an update Saturday, but, most likely, the next chapter will be uploaded on Monday. After today, there will probably only be two more chapters, which brings me to my next thing.
> 
> This fic is quickly approaching 500 hits, which is so insane to me. This is my first chaptered fic and I am so thankful for everyone who has read, left kudos, bookmarked, and/or commented. It truly means the world to me. To celebrate 500, I wanted to announce that I will be doing little mini fics based on this fic in the future. For example, I might write a smaller one-shot fic where Dan first tells Eric that he's pregnant. I love this fic so much and I really want to continue writing about this universe in the future and I want to include the ideas of all of you. So, if you have an idea for a mini fic you'd want to read based on this fic, whether it be something in the fic that you want more details about or something I didn't write that you'd like to read about, just let me know, either in the comments or on my tumblr (say-youll-be-there). I'll do as many of these as people want.
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for your support and enjoy today's update!! <3

Phil sets the plates down onto the picnic table and adjusts the balloons that are tied to a nearby bench. He double checks that he set out the correct number of plates; one for Dan, him, Eric, Noah, his mum, his dad, Martyn, Cornelia, Dan’s mum, Eric’s sister, and Tyler. 

At first, he felt a little bad that the majority of people coming for Dan and Noah’s party were from his own family. That inviting them, even though Dan wanted him to, would make Dan feel worse. But since he’s working on being honest with those he cares about when something’s upsetting him, he told Dan about his fears immediately.

“I get it,” Dan had responded, “I mean do I sometimes wish that my blood family were closer? Yeah, but, we’re not and we never really were. And I can never really change that, never could. It’s upsetting, but I love my mum and I loved my grandma, still do, and my brother and I are cordial. He couldn’t come anyway, he’s actually in South America on a photography job. For me, for us, that’s always been enough. I know, for you, who comes from a family that’s super close, it’s strange, I guess, and I get that, but I’m glad you and your family are so close. They make you happy and that makes me happy.”

He had smiled and continued. 

“Plus, blood doesn’t make a family, love does. And I have a lot of love in my life. From Noah, Eric, my friends. You. So, I think I’m a pretty lucky guy. And your family being here, being in our lives, just gives me more people to love.”

“You’re not afraid?” Phil had asked, “After everything Eric’s parents put you through?”

Dan sighed and seemed contemplative.

“I don’t believe your family will be anything like Eric’s,” he answered honestly, “Not with the way you talk about them. Eric never had a particularly kind word to say about his parents, so I knew what I was getting myself into. But, I trust you, so, if you say your parents are good people, then I believe you and I can’t wait to meet them and make them a part of my wonderful found family.”

**

Now, the only butterflies in Phil’s stomach are those of happiness. He can’t wait for his family to meet Dan and Eric and Noah. His parents have spoken to Dan over Facetime once or twice, but this is the first time they’ll properly be meeting. He also can’t wait to meet Dan’s mum. He’s spoken to her before on the phone and she seems lovely, if not a little reserved, but, according to Dan, she’s given Phil her stamp of approval, so he’s excited. 

Safiya and her Tyler were also invited, but, unfortunately, couldn’t make it. She sent Phil to the party with their love and two gifts, a gift card for Dan and a stuffed elephant for Noah because they’re his favorite animal. Tyler gave Dan and Noah a joint gift a few days earlier because he likes to pull focus like that. He surprised them with tickets to an early screening of a new animated children’s movie Noah had been talking about for months. Phil still remembers how happy Noah was when he saw the tickets and VIP badges. His ear drums also remember how loud Noah had screamed, though it didn’t bother him in the slightest, because he loves to see Noah happy. He also remembers how emotional Dan got when he saw the tickets.

“Tyler, you shouldn’t have,” Dan had said, moving in to give said man a hug, “This is way too expensive.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Tyler responded, “I know a guy. Plus, you deserve it, both of you. You’ve been working so hard for so long, Dan, and you deserve a little reward every now and then.”

Dan’s eyes had slowly teared up.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven for not telling you I was divorced and had a child for almost five months?”

Tyler chuckled. “You never needed to apologize. I love you, ya idiot. Happy early birthday.”

Dan moved in for a hug once more. “Thank you, Tyler,” he whispered into Tyler’s neck.

“You’re welcome.”

**

Phil is shaken from his memories by the sound of his own mum’s voice.

“Philip, hello,” his mum calls out.

He turns and sees his mum approaching the picnic table, along with his dad, Martyn, and Cornelia. He smiles and runs over to them.

“Mum, hi!” he says, moving in to give her a hug, “How are you?”

“I’m good, child,” she responds, “How are you? Where’s Dan? I want to meet him. And his little boy.”

Phil chuckles at his mum’s eagerness.

“He’s over by the playground with Noah and a few of Noah’s friends. There’s another, like, ten minutes, before the friends go home and they can join us over here.”

He turns to his dad and gives him a hug.

“Hi dad,” he says.

“Hi Philip,” his dad responds, “It’s been too long. You need to come home more often, you know?”

Martyn pulls him in for one of those awkward “bro-type” hugs they love to make fun of and ruffles his hair playfully.

“Look at you, little brother,” he says, “Living in London with a great job and a cute little family. It’s bloody amazing. I’m proud of you, mate. Now, where is the bloke anyway? I want to meet him and tell him as many embarrassing stories about you as I can fit into one afternoon.”

Phil groans. “Martynnnn!”

Martyn just laughs as Cornelia elbows him lightly.

“Cut it out, Martyn,” she says jovially, “Ignore him, Phil. You know how he is. Now, come here and give me a hug. It’s been forever.”

Phil laughs and moves in to give her a hug, letting her rest her head on his arm because that’s as high as she reaches. She pulls away and takes each of his hands in hers.

“I’ve known you for a long time, Phil,” she begins, “And I just wanted to let you know how proud of you I am and how happy I am for you. Not just, for all of this and Dan, but for everything. How far you’ve come and the life you’ve made for yourself and the man you’ve become.”

Phil nods and silently mouths his thanks. She nods back and smiles at him. God, he loves Cornelia. She was always able to read him like a book and understand exactly what he was trying to say. 

 

Phil hears the sound of laughing approaching the area and turns around to see Dan and Noah walking towards them. He physically feels his face light up and looks over to see Cornelia watching him, a soft and somewhat knowing look on her face.

“What?” Phil asks, feeling a bit awkward being caught in her gaze.

“You love him,” she says simply.

“I love all of them,” Phil corrects.

“Of course you do,” she replies, “But you know what I mean, Phil. You’re in love with Dan.”

Phil sighs, admitting defeat, not that he ever stood a chance against Cornelia’s knowing gaze, and leans in closer to her.

“I am, Corn, I really am,” he says, a smile beginning to form on his face, “I don’t even know when it happened, but, ever since it hit me, I feel, well, I don’t even know. I just… I feel really good, Corn. I’ve never felt this way before, and, now that I do, I like it.”

“Aww, Phil,” Cornelia coos, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

Phil chuckles, playfully batting her hand away.

“Hi Phil,” Dan says, making his way over to them.

“Hi Dan,” he replies, “Have fun at the park?”

“Yeah,” Dan says, “But I’m also exhausted. If you think watching one small child is hard, try watching eight of them. 0/10 do not recommend.”

He laughs and then turns to Cornelia.

“You must be Cornelia. It’s really nice to meet you.”

He holds out his hand for a handshake, but Cornelia just giggles and pulls him in for a hug.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” she declares, “But, damn, you are tall. And here I thought Phil was the tallest guy I’ve ever met.”

Dan laughs in response.

“Yeah, I like to say that I’m what would happen if Winnie the Pooh and Slenderman had a child together, an awkward child who eats way too much pizza.”

Cornelia laughs, too, and then looks in the general direction of the picnic bench.

“Don’t look now Dan,” she begins, “But mama and papa Lester have spotted you and they’ll probably be making their way over here any minute now.”

Dan looks nervous suddenly and begins fiddling with the end of his shirt. Cornelia must notice because she softly moves his hand away from his shirt and quietly calls his name.

“Dan, hey,” she says calmly, “It’ll be okay.”

Dan shakes his head. 

“I don’t know. I mean, I thought it would be, but I don’t know if I can do this again. I’m not ready for this. I can’t.”

Dan’s starting to shake slightly, and Phil instinctively moves closer to him, as if to cover him, though Phil knows he'll never really be able to protect Dan from these types of fears. Cornelia also moves a bit closer to Dan and takes his hand in hers.

“What do you mean?” she asks quietly.

Dan takes a shaky breath, reaching his other hand out to grip Phil’s waist, a tendency Phil has come to understand Dan does when he feels especially scared or anxious. It tethers him back to reality, he once said, and reminds him that, now matter how floaty his mind feels, he always has something solid around him to remind him that his feet are still on the ground.

“It’s just,” he begins softly, “Eric’s parents hated me. Actually hated me. They thought I was no good, nothing but a poor boy who wanted to take advantage of them and their money. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, they never thought I was good enough for Eric. They thought I was a bad influence, that I ruined his life by getting pregnant, so they did everything they could to try to ruin mine.”

“But they didn’t,” Phil cut in gently, “They didn’t ruin your life, no matter how much they wanted to. They are awful, evil people who didn’t deserve to have someone like you in their life. They wanted to tear you down, make you complicit, but you didn’t let them. You kept being you and loving your husband and your son and you didn’t let their hatred change you. And, now, look at you. You’ve got a job and you want to go back to Uni someday and you’re an amazing friend, father, and boyfriend.”

“And trust me, Dan,” Cornelia adds, “I don’t know Eric’s parents, which is a good thing, because, if I did, I would have definitely punched them by now. But, I do know the Lester’s, and I know what it’s like to be a new addition to the Lester family. It’s daunting to join a new family, especially one as close as this, but they will welcome you so easily, and you’ll feel like part of the family before the day is out. They are some of the kindest people I have ever met who love with their entire hearts. I understand why you’re scared and I don’t blame you, but I promise you that the Lester’s will love you, partially because of how much you care about Phil, but also because you are a wonderful person.”

Dan nods, his grip on Phil’s waist lessening slightly.

“I know that realistically. I guess I just can’t help being a little scared, but thank you, both of you. It means a lot. I guess, I’ve never been good with parents, and, then, all of a sudden, I was one. I try so hard to make sure that I’m a good parent for Noah because both Eric and I don’t have the best relationships with our parents and I don’t want him to ever have to wonder if Eric or I care about him or love him. Because I know how much that hurts and it kind of feels like I’m in that position all over again right now. Of not being sure if your parents will like me or want me in their lives or yours. I guess I’m just scared of feeling rejected again.”

“Oh, Dan,” Cornelia says, “I’m so sorry you ever had to go through that or feel that way, but I promise that the Lester’s will not reject you. They already love you, trust me, I know. You and Noah and Eric will always have a place in this family.”

Dan nods and lets go of Phil’s waist completely to wipe at his eyes.

“Thank you.”

“No problem, Howell,” Cornelia responds, “Can I hug you?”

Dan nods and she wraps her arms tight around his middle, his arms circling around her neck. Phil smiles and coos before joining the hug. He rubs a hand up and down both of their backs and sighs happily. He is so immensely grateful to have these two kind and beautiful people in his life. 

As they entangle themselves from the hug, Phil looks over to see his mum and dad standing not too far away, his mum wiping at her eyes with a tissue.

“Mum, what’s wrong?” Phil asks, concerned.

“Oh, nothing, child,” his mum replies, walking over to where the three of them are standing, “We were just on our way over to you all to say hello and then I just got emotional, I suppose, seeing three of my children hugging like that. I’m just very happy.”

“Oh, mum,” Phil says, moving in to give her a quick hug.

“Where’s Martyn?” Phil’s dad suddenly pipes in, “Someone get Martyn. I want a picture with all four of our children together.”

As Martyn makes his way over to the group, Phil glances at Dan. He looks a combination of shocked and touched. Cornelia nudges him and smiles, giving him a look as if to say ‘I told you so.’ A smile begins to slowly grace his face as Phil’s dad approaches him.

“Nice to finally properly meet you, Daniel,” Phil’s dad says, reaching out to shake Dan’s hand.

“You too, Mr. Lester,” Dan responds, shaking his hand, his nerves evident.

“Oh, none of those formalities,” his dad says, “I feel like I’ve known you for ages. Call me Nigel or, if you want to, dad. Phil’s mum is called Kathryn or mum, if you prefer. Cornelia does, but, don’t you worry, it took her some time to get used to it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, sir,” Dan responds, “And I promise to try my best to make Phil happy.”

“You already do, son,” Nigel answers, “And I am incredibly grateful to you for that. You and your family have helped bring out a different side of Phil, one that I haven’t seen since he was still living with us. It’s hard to watch your kid struggle and be sad. I know that you know what that’s like, and it never really gets easier or less hard, unfortunately. I missed my son, and, whatever you did or said to help him rediscover and reembrace that part of himself, thank you.”

“And thank you,” Dan says, “For raising such an amazing guy. He’s been so supportive of me and my son and it means the world to his other father and I.”

“You’re a good man and a damn good father,” Nigel says, “I am incredibly happy that Phil found someone like you.”

Nigel turns away and curses lightly, wiping at his eyes.

“Sorry,” he says, voice gruff with emotion, “I’m just so happy. You’ll understand someday when Noah brings home someone special that you just know is the one. I can now say that I have watched both of my boys introduce me to two wonderful people that they care for deeply and I couldn’t be more happy or proud of them. My boys are happy and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for them.”

“I understand, sir, uh, Nigel,” Dan responds, “Thank you for welcoming me into your family.”

“It’s your family now, too, son,” Nigel says.

 

“Alright,” Nigel then calls to the entire group, “Let’s get a picture, shall we?”

Phil looks over at Dan as he approaches the tree where Phil had been talking to his mum and Martyn.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

“More than okay,” Dan responds, almost wistfully, “I’m so happy right now, Phil.”

Phil practically beams and kisses Dan’s cheek.

“Alright, you lot,” Martyn says sarcastically, “You can kiss later. Dad wants a photo.”

Phil chuckles and moves next to Dan, placing his arm around Dan’s waist. Cornelia moves to Dan’s other side, her hand resting on his arm. Martyn moves next to Cornelia, placing his own arm around her waist. They all look to the camera Nigel is holding and smile. They decide to do a funny one, as well. Martyn licks Cornelia’s cheek as she pretends to be disgusted and Dan puts up an awkward peace sign while Phil does bunny ears behind his head. When the pictures are done, they all separate, laughing.

Phil pauses almost mid-laugh as he spots Dan’s mum sitting by herself at the picnic table. She had clearly been watching them take the pictures but looked away once she realized they were done. Phil looks back to where Dan is chatting with his dad and his mum, who’s practically crying as she ruffles his hair. Eric is chatting with his sister and Tyler and Martyn and Cornelia have already been roped into a game of tag by Noah. He silently walks over to where Dan’s mum is sat.

“May I join you?” he asks politely.

“Of course, Phil,” she answers.

“I’m sorry,” she adds, “That I haven’t gone up to you yet and properly introduced myself. I was going to but didn’t want to intrude on the moment you were all having.”

“You wouldn’t have,” Phil answers, “Trust me, my mum loves meeting new people. And my family were actually really excited to meet you. I’m excited to meet you.”

Dan’s mum stares down at the ground, watching a few stray leaves blow.

“You have a beautiful family,” she finally says, “It’s wonderful. The exact type of family I always wanted Daniel to be a part of someday. It’s just hard, I suppose, though I knew it always would be, to watch him become a part of a family, to have parental figures in his life, that I could never be for him.”

“You were a good parent,” Phil says, “You still are. Dan gets that, now, because he’s a parent, too, and he knows how hard it is. You tried, and, maybe you made mistakes, but all parents do.”

“But I made mistakes that hurt my son,” she says, “When he was born, that first time I held him, he smiled at me. From that moment on, I promised myself that I would do anything to make him happy. But, then, money got tight and I took on a second job. His father and I fought more and more. And, before I knew it, he was a teenager who wanted nothing to do with me. When he got pregnant, he never even told me. I found the pregnancy test in his drawer when he was already three months. I confronted him, and he said they wanted to keep the baby. I still wonder if he felt forced to because of how strongly Christian he was raised. But, when he told me that they were keeping the baby, I… I said, ‘well I hope you’ve got a plan, then.’ That was it, no congratulations or hugs or offers of support. I pushed him away, I pushed my son and his unborn child away, because, well, because I was afraid. I was afraid because we had nothing to offer them. No money, I couldn’t help take care of the baby because I was still working two jobs. I guess I was so busy worrying about what we didn’t have to offer them that I forgot about the one thing I could offer them, the one thing I promised to always give him: my love.”

“So,” she continues, “He stayed home until he graduated secondary school and then he left to go live with Eric. I met Noah, of course, and he’s come to our house for holidays and other occasional visits, but there’s always been a disconnect between me and Daniel. And him becoming pregnant so young, which I understand because I was young, too, when I had him, would have been the perfect opportunity to repair our relationship and start fresh, but I ruined it. I pushed him away and made him think that I didn’t want to support him or love him. It was my fault and that’s why I’m where I am right now. On the outside, looking in.”

“You know it’s never too late, right?” Phil says, “Dan is hurt by what you did, by what you said to him. He’s never said as much, but I inferred. But, he also tends to let the bad outweigh the good. You worked your whole life, providing for him, and you’ve also made some good memories together. He told me about that time you went to Universal and rode all the rollercoasters with him even though you were terrified, just so he wouldn’t have to ride alone. You made mistakes because you were afraid, but you never stopped loving him, even though you weren’t always sure how to express it. And he didn’t either. It’s not too late to talk to him and work all of this out. It might not be easy, but he’s definitely worth it and I believe you are, too.”

Dan’s mum presses her lips together, as if she’s trying not to cry, and sighs before looking at Phil.

“You know, I’ve read a million parenting books and articles, but none of them ever tell you how hard it’s going to be. And that it never stops being hard. I knew from day one that I wanted to always be there for Daniel, and, somewhere along the way, I messed it all up. Then, I was afraid he would never forgive me, but I think the real problem is that I didn’t forgive myself. I constantly feel like a bad mum who doesn’t deserve forgiveness, and I don’t think that I’ll ever fully forgive myself, but I think it’s time that I push all of that aside for now to focus on my relationship with Daniel and repairing it. He deserves to know why I did what I did, though it’s no excuse, and that I never stopped loving him. He may never forgive me, but that’s his choice, and I’ll be one step closer to learning to forgive myself.”

“I’m rooting for you two,” Phil says, “I want you to have the type of relationship with Dan that I have with my mum. He wants it, I know he does. He’s just scared, but, if you talk to him, he’ll talk to you, too, and I think that will be an amazing first step. You were never a bad mum. You just made some bad decisions, but you always wanted to fix them and never knew how. Now you do.”

Dan’s mum nods, brushing a stray piece of hair away from her face. She has hair exactly like Dan’s, Phil notices with a small smile.

“All I’ve ever wanted,” she begins, “Is for Dan to be happy. After the divorce, I was worried for him, but never knew how to talk to him about it. So, thank you, Phil, for being there for him, and loving him and my grandson when I couldn’t. I’m glad they have someone like you in their lives. I’m glad he has someone like you.”

Phil nods as he processes her words. This is the first time he’s ever had a proper conversation with the parent of someone he’s cared for, romantically. He always worried that this type of conversation would be hard, that he would be awkward and not know what to say. Yet, the words seemed to almost flow out of him. He found himself surprised several times at his own confidence and, for lack of a better word, wisdom. Despite being a linguistics major, words and clarity have never been his strong suit, but, perhaps, when it comes to something or someone he cares about it, the words just come to him. Maybe he’s just never embraced that aspect of himself before. He knows now that he certainly intends to.

**

Roughly three hours later, the party is still in full swing. Nigel had brought a small grill along with him, and, in typical dad fashion, made everyone burgers and hot dogs. Noah had everyone running around practically all day and playing monkey-in-the-middle. Tyler is currently chatting with Kathryn and Cornelia, no doubt telling them about how Dan and Phil’s relationship started solely because of him. Nigel and Martyn are playing catch with Noah. Phil is currently talking to Eric’s sister, Angela, but stops mid sentence as he feels a tap on his shoulder. 

“I don’t want to interrupt you guys,” Eric says, “But I just wanted to thank you Phil.”

“For what?” Phil asks. 

“Everything, honestly, but, right now, for that.”

He points discreetly to where Dan and his mum are sat on a nearby bench, talking. Dan’s cheeks look wet and his eyes appear to be a little red, but he’s smiling. A genuine small smile that Phil knows means that Dan is truly happy, though a tad cautious.

“I didn’t do that,” Phil replies, honestly, “They both did.”

“I know,” Eric says, “I know she’s always wanted to fix things and so has he, but one of them just needed that last little push, and, I guess, I was never confident enough to do it myself. So, thank you. For being brave and for, just, being you.”

“Cake time!” Noah screams from across the park and Eric chuckles.

“I guess it’s cake time apparently,” Eric says as he walks back towards the picnic table where the cake is waiting in a sealed box. 

Angela smiles at him and follows Eric. Phil stays in place and watches as her, his mum, his dad, Martyn, Cornelia, Tyler, Eric, Noah, and Dan’s mum approach the table. He feels a presence at his side and turns to see Dan.

“Hey,” he says quietly, “You alright?”

Dan nods, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“Emotionally exhausted but really happy. I think my mum and I are going to be okay.”

Phil kisses Dan’s head. 

“I’m so happy for you,” he says, “Now, come on, birthday boy, it’s time to cut that cake.”

Dan laughs as Phil grabs his arm and pulls him towards the picnic table. Eric is currently lighting the candles. Phil calls Safiya on Facetime and she and her Tyler greet everyone quickly and join the group in singing happy birthday. Noah calls out ‘cha cha cha’ each time and it gets a little garbled as no one knows whether to say Dan or Noah first, but, honestly, Phil wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He’s in a small park right outside London celebrating the birthdays of two of his most favorite people in the world with his family. They’re loud and they’re messy and they’re not perfect, but nothing in life ever is. He holds Dan’s hand as Dan and Noah lean in to blow the candles together and everyone cheers. Phil watches the smoke from the candles float up into the air, and, right now, in this moment, he has no more big speeches or words of advice planned. The only thing he has to say are three small words that don’t scare him the way they used to.

“I love you.”

Dan looks at him and smiles, his dimple clear as ever.

“I love you, too,” he responds, leaning in to kiss him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> This is the second to last chapter of this fic! On Wednesday, the final chapter will be posted. But I'm still accepting ideas for one shots to write about this fic universe in the future.
> 
> Just a quick note about this chapter: There are mentions and descriptions of sex. It's nothing explicit, the rating is still m/mature, but I thought I would just let everyone know that this chapter does mention and reference sex and sex acts more than past chapters have.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the penultimate chapter of Chapter Two! Thanks for reading!

The party was drawing to a close. Phil was helping Eric and his sister clean up the rest of the decorations, while Nigel, Martyn, and Cornelia helped carry the heavy stuff out to Eric’s car. Kathryn was keeping Noah busy by letting him watch old episodes of ‘Winnie the Pooh’ on her phone and Dan was walking with his mum over to her car. 

The whole day, in Phil’s opinion, was an absolute success. They all had fun, got to know one another even better, and Dan and his mum have finally begun to start working things out between them. 

Phil also told Dan that he loves him for the first time. And Dan said it back. And Phil wasn’t necessarily shocked or stunned by the fact that Dan loves him. He’s happy that Dan and him are on the same page with their feelings for one another, but at no point after Dan said it back was Phil shocked that Dan felt the same way or confused as to why someone as wonderful as Dan would love him. He’s finally reached a point in his life where he believes that he is worthy; of love, of happiness, of everything. Dan Howell is in love with him, and the only emotion he feels regarding that fact is overwhelming joy.

They didn’t talk much after their exchange, each busy mingling with people they don’t see literally every day, but, after the party, they agree to head back to Phil’s place. So, as everyone heads to their respective cars at the end of the day, Phil calls an Uber to take him and Dan back to his. He would drive, but he’s been told many times over the years that he is a terrible driver. As they wait, he pretends not to notice Martyn winking at him in an exaggeratingly suggestive way or Tyler making kissing noises as he walks past them. 

He knows what inviting Dan over to his place tonight could mean. It’s not like they haven’t done anything sexual with each other because they have. And everything they’ve done has been amazing. Phil hasn’t had a lot of great sex in his life because, for him, his mind has to be just as into it as his body. If he’s nervous or anxious or he doesn’t feel a connection with the person, he just… can’t do it. He’s tried, not a lot, but a few times, and it’s just never been good.

Sex with Dan is an experience unlike any other for Phil. Him and Dan understand each other in a way Phil only thought was possible in cheesy novels or romance movies. Sex with Dan makes Phil feel sexy and desirable and wanted and loved all at the same time. He feels comfortable and safe when he’s with Dan and he knows that Dan feels the same way because they talk about it. Before, during, and after everything they do. And, as a result, everything they’ve done has felt incredible for both of them.

But, tonight, Phil knows what’s most likely going to happen between them. They’ve been talking for a while about having penetrative sex, and, frankly, they both had their concerns. Phil knows that, realistically, it’s not that different from the other forms of sex they’ve done and enjoyed together, and, if either of them were truly against the idea, they wouldn’t do it and would still have a healthy and happy sex life. But, they do want to do it together. Dan just wanted to make sure that his new birth control had the chance to start working before they did anything and they both wanted to make sure that they discussed it thoroughly first. Who would have what role, at least this time, what contraception they would use, and how exactly to make the other person feel comfortable and safe. 

Phil has only had penetrative sex twice before in his life and both times he was terrified. But, he managed to hide it well and the other people never even knew. He doesn’t want it to be like that with Dan, never wanted it to be like that with Dan, for Dan’s sake, but also for his own. He’s tired of hiding how he’s feeling because he’s afraid of upsetting or disappointing others, so it was very important to him, to both of them, that they had an open and honest discussion. It took a few weeks of talking, but they’ve finally reached a place where they both feel comfortable having this form of sex.

Phil’s not nervous and he knows Dan’s not either, if the looks Dan gives him in the Uber mean anything. Dan’s dark eyes, his pupils already slightly dilated, staring into his own, make him feel hot all over, and, suddenly, he can’t wait to get the hell out of this Uber and into his flat. 

They don’t run into his flat, though. They don’t rip each other’s clothes off or make out against the wall either. In Phil’s opinion, they have all the time in the world for sex like that. Sex where they’re so turned on they can hardly handle it, that is so passionate that it borders on rough, and has them both breathless before it even begins. That kind of sex is wonderful if done with the right person and Phil wants to have sex like that with Dan, someday. 

But tonight… tonight is for a different kind of sex. He wants tonight to be slow and soft. He wants to spend as much time as possible carefully exploring every inch of Dan’s body with his eyes, his hands, his mouth. And he knows Dan wants to do the same to him, for him. More than anything, he wants to put every ounce of his love for Dan into tonight. 

**

They lay on Phil’s bed on their sides, facing each other. Phil stares deep into Dan’s eyes, his hand resting on Dan’s bare hip. He considers moving his hand, rubbing it up and down Dan’s skin, but he also doesn’t want to disrupt the moment they’re sharing right now. Even breathing too loudly or too harshly would disrupt the beautiful and meaningful silent moment they’re sharing.

It’s Dan who breaks the moment. His hand, which had been resting on the back of Phil’s neck, begins to lightly tug on the hair Phil has there, the same way it did the first night they kissed. It doesn’t feel that long ago, it really isn’t, but Phil feels as if a lifetime has passed since that night. That night wasn’t their beginning, not by far, but it will always hold a special place in Phil’s heart. The climax of their chapter two.

Phil’s breath hitches from Dan’s hand tugging on his hair and he moves his own hand lower, rubbing a thumb over Dan’s thigh. Dan smiles and moves closer, pressing their naked bodies together. They both sigh at the sensation of their bare flesh touching and Phil leans forward to connect their lips in a kiss. The kiss is slow and intense and has Phil’s toes curling. Dan breaks the kiss for only a second to turn Phil onto his back and move to straddle him. Phil uses the moment to regain his breathing and then loses his breath all over again when he looks up at Dan. Dan, who is all smooth skin and soft curves, contrasted by his own sharp edges. Dan, who’s hair is getting curlier by the second as he becomes sweatier. And Dan, who is looking down at him, his cheeks a deep red, a soft smile on his face, trust in his eyes.

Dan trusts him, with his mind, his body, and his heart. And Phil intends to show him for as long as Dan will allow exactly how much that means to him. Phil reaches out and opens the drawer of his bedside table and awkwardly fumbles through the contents of it. He makes a small noise of victory as he pulls out a small bottle of lube and a condom. He looks back up at Dan.

“Are you ready?” he asks quietly.

Dan nods and smiles softly.

“I am. Are you?”

“Absolutely,” he responds, connecting their lips once more.

**

Phil finally feels his chest relax, his heart stop beating as quickly, as intensely. The only things running through his mind are memories of the last few hours. Of the sounds Dan made, the way Dan’s hands felt on him, the way Dan’s mouth felt on him, the way Dan’s body felt around him. He recalls the way Dan’s back arched when he kissed and sucked on his neck, leaving a mark he knows will still be there tomorrow, and he knows he will still have the small crescent moon-shaped nail marks on his own back and shoulders.   
Dan had touched him softly and gently, as if he were made of glass, and looked into his eyes the entire time, repeating Phil’s name as if he were afraid he might forget it.

They’re sweaty and the room smells of sex and the cherry lube Phil had used far too much of. There are clothes on the floor and Phil definitely needs to wash his sheets in the morning. In the morning, they’ll both have to get up and actually be productive. Dan will need to go home, and they will both eventually have to go back to work. Right now, Phil doesn’t know how he will ever be able to do anything productive anymore now that he knows what it feels like to be with Dan, the man he loves, in the most intimate way possible. But, he’ll figure it out. They’ll figure it out. They always do.

“That was good,” Dan mumbles next to Phil.

“It was,” Phil replies, sounding equally as tired as Dan does.

“I love you,” Dan says, the words igniting a spark inside Phil’s chest.

“I love you, too,” he answers, “So much.”

“I’m so glad you’re a huge nerd who loves mystery novels,” Dan says, looking deep into Phil’s eyes, his dimple evident.

“Me too,” Phil responds.

He wants to say more but is stopped by a yawn.

“You’re tired,” Dan points out with a small smirk, “Guess I wore you out.”

“Looks like you did,” Phil counters with a matching smirk and another yawn.

“Go to sleep, you spoon,” Dan whispers, “I’ll be here when you wake up. Forever if you want.”

“Forever, please,” Phil whispers back.

He knows, deep in his bones, that their words are more than just an effect of the afterglow. The idea of forever has always scared Phil a bit, but, when it comes to Dan, there is very little that scares him anymore. He wants to be with Dan for as long as the universe will allow, and he knows that Dan wants the same thing. They might struggle, they will struggle, there will be hard days and hard weeks, but there is no one else in the world he’d try harder with and for.

He’s ready to face the hard times and the struggles because he knows that he loves Dan and Dan loves him. He’s no longer unsure or insecure of how or why Dan loves him, doesn’t doubt it. The world will continue to turn, and, someday, chapter two will become chapter three. The idea of turning the page to the new and unknown future doesn’t scare Phil the way it used to. He has a life full of beautiful things, Dan being one of them, and, right now, as he strokes Dan’s hair and feels Dan’s warm breath beginning to even out against his collarbone, that’s all that matters.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! 
> 
> I know I said that this chapter would be posted Wednesday, but, of course, my campus' power and wifi shut down all day. So, sorry for the delay, but here is the final chapter of Chapter Two.
> 
> (I'm also still accepting ideas for one shots set in this fic universe. I already have one in the works right now!)

Phil makes quick work of closing the refrigerator and setting the box on the kitchen table, while also trying not to make any noise.

“You left the cupboards open again, Phil,” Noah points out, sarcasm and mock irritation evident in his voice.

Like father, like son, Phil supposes.

He closes the cupboards quietly and opens the box on the table, revealing a small cake from Dan’s favorite bakery in Reading. It took Phil almost two hours to take an Uber to the bakery and then back to Dan’s place, but it was well worth it. 

When Dan was pregnant, for some reason, he craved nothing but cannolis from this one particular bakery three blocks from his family home. Since then, whenever he’s back in Reading, which is more often now that he and his mum have been getting along better, he goes to this bakery and buys as many sweets as he can. The cake is also his favorite flavor, vanilla, and has strawberries inside of it.

Phil is trying to keep himself and Noah as quiet as possible to ensure that Dan, who is in his office, doesn’t hear them while they set up the cake. It’s Dan’s birthday today, his actual birthday, and Phil wants to do something special for him.

Noah’s birthday was a week before, and, as it was his fifth birthday, three separate celebrations were held. The first was a party for Noah and all of his friends. The second was one similar to that of his fourth birthday in which Dan’s mum and Eric’s sister, as well as Phil’s family, and their friends all got together, this time, at Eric’s place. Phil even got to meet Eric’s new boyfriend, Connor. The two seem really happy together and Phil is glad to see that Eric seems to have finally found his own balance.

The final party was Dan, Phil, Eric, and Noah spending the day at the park and then getting ice cream together. It’s Noah’s idea of a perfect day and Phil knows that all of them would do anything to make Noah happy.

Now, one week later, Dan is busier than ever. After Noah started preschool, Dan started taking online university courses. He’s still not sure what he wants to do, but he loves the philosophy and music theory courses he’s been taking so far, and Phil is just so immensely proud of him. For so long, he was forced to live his life the way that Eric’s parents wanted him to, sacrificing his own happiness for two selfish and awful people, and, now, he’s doing something he always wanted to, while also successfully balancing the other parts of his life. It’s not always easy; he has bad days, and, sometimes, bad weeks, and there are times his depression makes it hard for him to even move. He gets through it, though, he always does, with the love and support of those around him, his healthy lifestyle choices, and his medication and therapy.

“Should we get daddy, Phil?” Noah asks, trying but failing to whisper.

Phil looks at the table, at the cake sitting in the center and three plates and forks set up. It reminds him of the first time he had breakfast with Dan and Noah. He had loved the domesticity but still felt like an outsider in this little world, this little home, Dan and Noah had created for themselves. Now, Phil spends more time here than he does at his own flat. 

At the thought of his own flat, he’s reminded of the small black band that sits in a box at the back of one of his bedroom drawers. He bought it about two months ago with Martyn and Cornelia. It’s not the right time yet, he knows that, but, moments like this make him realize how much he truly does want to spend the rest of his life being part of this special little world, this home.

“Yeah,” Phil responds, “Come on, let’s go, but be quiet, okay?”

They quietly make their way towards the office and Phil gently opens the door. Dan is sitting at the desk with his back to them. Phil and Noah carefully make their way to him, and, seeing as he isn’t doing anything too important or watching a lecture, hug him from behind.

“Happy birthday!” they both shout.

Dan seems shocked at first, but then laughs out loud and reaches back to wrap one arm around each of them.

“Scaring me, huh?” he says, mock pouting, “I’m an old man now. You need to be careful when you sneak up on me like that.”

Phil scoffs.

“If you’re old, then what am I?” he asks.

“Really old,” Noah responds, giggling.

Phil gasps and puts his hand over his heart.

“Noah, how could you?”

Noah giggles again and grabs Dan’s hand.

“Come on, daddy, we got cake.”

“From Vinny’s,” Phil adds.

“Vinny’s?” Dan questions in shock, “You went all the way to Reading?”

“Of course,” Phil responds, “You only turn 23 once.”

“Thank you, Phil,” Dan says, a touch of wetness to his voice, as he rises from his seat and hugs Phil.

“You’re welcome, Dan,” Phil says, his hand rubbing up and down Dan’s back.

“I wanna join the hug,” Noah shouts, wrapping one arm around each of their backs.

They all laugh, and Phil rests his head on Dan’s shoulder, taking a moment to take all of this in. For so many years, he hid the real Phil in fear that people wouldn’t like him. He had lost hope of ever loving and being loved, he had lost himself. Now, he knows that love comes in all forms. There are people who love him for who he is, people who never stopped loving him, and people who will continue to love him. He understands platonic love, romantic love, and familial love and how none are better than the others. 

He wants to spend the rest of his life maintaining the balance his mum taught him and continuing to hope and dream and love with his entire being. Without the love from his friends, his family, Dan and Noah and Eric, he would have never found this balance and hope within himself that gave him the courage and the confidence to finally turn the page and begin his chapter two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for joining and supporting me on this journey. More to come soon!
> 
> (my tumblr: @say-youll-be-there)


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